


The Price Of Change

by DeMarcos



Series: The 'Verse Changes [3]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Series Adjacent, Survivor Guilt, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-07-18 17:03:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7323538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeMarcos/pseuds/DeMarcos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barry deals with the emotional fallout of Eddie's death, and poorly at that. With the help of Team Flash, he starts to regain his footing, but just when he thinks he's capable of living his life once more, time and even the speed force itself give him a cold, hard dose of reality.</p><p>(Sequel to <em>Everything Changes</em>.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hole In My Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are again, friends! Welcome to the official start of the official second series of this world I've created! Be not afraid of that notice up top, saying this series will only be four chapters long! The show only really gave me that many episodes to deal with Barry and Eddie's relationship, because they are poopheads. I keep my fingers crossed every day that more casting news will come out, announcing Rick's return to the show, now that they're gonna be doing the Flashpoint Paradox, but until then, shall we just enjoy what little we can?
> 
> As always, this is un-beta'd and being the dumb blonde that I am, I'm sure there are plenty of mistakes to be had. Commence the pointing and laughing. Aaah, just like old times...

Six months after Eddie's death, Barry still had the dreams.

He walks into the cortex to see his friends' smiling faces, the air filled with the their warm praises for a job well done. There was Cisco, hand extended for a celebratory fist bump, Ronnie and Caitlin standing side by side, holding each other close as they waxed philosophic on what a fantastic team they all made, so sweet together that is almost gave everyone cavities, not that it deters them any in their display.

Dr. Wells maneuvers his chair closer to the gathering, giving Barry a smile as he congratulates him on a his success, standing up to his full height to say there is nothing left to teach him. Sometimes, the disconnect of Wells being able to walk jars him awake before the dream turns into a nightmare, and other times, he barely notices the incongruity, anticipation and dread filling him for what's coming next. Joe and Iris are there, Joe chiding him about putting cops like him out of business, whereas Iris can barely contain her excitement on the exclusive scoop of the hero of Central City after he's saved the day yet again.

Then, out of the corner of his eye, there is a blur of blonde hair, followed by the flash of a blinding white smile, the moment he's been waiting for as Eddie coalesces in his field of vision. Barry's heart always skips a beat as Eddie put an arm around his waist, leaning in to kiss his cheek before saying, "You're the real hero, Barry."

For one perfect moment, all is right in the world.

Until his alarm clock began beeping loudly, or his phone rang, or because Joe was knocking on his bedroom door, calling out that he was going to be late if he didn't get moving. Every time he was jarred awake, the perfect dream world shattered, leaving him sweaty and shaking, a sour taste in his mouth.

The first few weeks after Eddies death, Barry would wake from the dreams to madly rush into the bathroom to vomit, tears streaming down his cheeks from the burn of bile rising up his throat, and the burn of misery in his heart. He didn't fight it, though. He never did. It was the only way for him to see Eddie anymore, because was dead and it was all Barry 's fault. Every ounce of anguish he suffered through was well-deserved.

It's why he didn't fight when Caitlin left to go work for Dr. McGee at Mercury Labs, still too raw from Ronnie's death to even look him in the eye, because he knew he didn't deserve her forgiveness for what he'd done. It was why he started going out as the Flash without telling Cisco or Stein, because it was his fault Cisco's mentor was dead -even if he _had_ been revealed to be a villainous murderer from the future, Cisco had still looked up to the man, making Wells' betrayal all the worse- and that Stein's partner was dead.

In the days before he made the decision to start working solo, he would sometimes catch Stein glancing to his left, as if he was expecting Ronnie to be there at his side, as if experiencing some sort of bizarre case of phantom limb syndrome. He'd then realize what he was doing and quickly tear his eyes away from the empty space beside him. And the expression on Joe's face when he had to hang Eddie's picture up on the memorial wall at the station... Barry's stomach had roiled, seeing the pain in Joe's eyes, but he bore it all. It was all his fault, and he refused to fight against the shame and the guilt and the horror of what he'd allowed to happen.

Their losses were on him, as was the death and the destruction and the chaos the singularity had wrought on the city. All of it was his fault. So he began keeping everyone at arm's length. Like hell he was going to let them keep on helping him, when they all still had so much left to lose. Cisco's brother had already been dragged into the fray once, Stein's wife could always become a target, should someone like General Eiling ever try to unlock the secrets of Firestorm, and though Caitlin's family didn't live in the city, if anyone ever discovered they were working together, they could use them against her.

And that wasn't even taking into account what anyone could do to _them_. Woodward had kidnapped Iris to lure him out. Grodd had taken Joe, as had Mardon, on the day that never was. Snart and Rory had done the same to Caitlin, before going after Cisco the last time they'd reared their ugly heads in Central City. His friends, his family, they were all at risk, just by knowing him, and the only way to keep them safe was to keep them away.

For the very first time, Barry finally understood why in the beginning, Joe had told him to never tell Eddie or Iris that he was the Flash. It made him a dangerous person to be around when they were all liabilities, a means to an end in the eyes of anyone who had designs against him, and Barry refused to be the reason anyone else he loved died. If it was only him that got hurt then it meant no one else would face retribution on his behalf. He could fight crime by himself and he could do it with a clear conscience.

Once he was completely alone, his friends taking the hint that there was no more Team Flash, Barry threw himself into his work, both at the station and as the Flash, doubling down on his efforts to right his wrongs. He sometimes thought about reopening the wormhole, going back in time to stop Eddie, but his fear of causing some kind of paradox overruled his desperate need for Eddie. So he ignored the looks and the whispers behind his back at the station about overworking himself to forget his grief, working himself to the bone to keep himself busy, and to keep from doing something incredibly stupid. Singh, for all his gruffness, had approached him about taking time off but Barry had flatly refused the offer. He ignored the texts and emails from Cisco wanting to know why he'd shut them out of his life. He ignored the gentle pleas from Joe to open himself up and let it all out. He ignored all of it, because he didn't want to admit to the truth.

He was running.

He was the fastest man alive, but he knew he'd never be able to outrun his mistakes. He'd never be able to make amends for the tragedies he was responsible for. But he couldn't stop from trying. He had to keep running, so all those lives lost wouldn't have been in vain. He would look at himself in the mirror every morning and tell himself there _had_ to be a reason he was alive and Eddie wasn't. A quiet voice in his head would then chime in, informing him that he had paid for his continued existence with Eddie's blood, that his absolute idiocy in stopping Dr. Wells had cost him the life of the man he'd loved. Barry would then glance away from his reflection, the guilt threatening to send him to his knees in front of the toilet.

 _It's all my fault_. _It's all my fault_.

Six months after Eddie's death and Barry was dead inside.

He possessed none of his normal cheer for life, nor any pride or satisfaction in his work. On the outside, he smiled as best he could, playing the part of the diligent co-worker and fearless hero, finishing his work in record time and snapping off quips at whatever meta or criminal that crossed his path, but underneath the forced façade, he was just dead inside. There was nothing left but a never-ending chasm of guilt that viciously ate at him, gnawing away like locusts at everything he was, leaving a barren nothingness it its wake. He spent every waking moment hating himself, which was often, as he slept less and less each night, to avoid the torment of seeing Eddie in his dreams. Quite often, he didn't even need to be asleep to see it all play out in his mind's eye.

One night, he found himself standing in the empty cortex, the dream playing out in front of him in vivid technicolor. Barry stood there staring, motionless, until he was almost convinced the images were real enough to touch, that there was nothing separating him from the life he should have been living. He'd reached out for it, to take what was his and get back to that perfect place, but the moment he was sure his fingers would brush over Eddie's grinning face, the illusion shattered before his eyes. Later on, as he longed for some of Caitlin's super alcohol to temporarily numb his pain, he found himself wondering what would have happened if he'd just waited to touch it for _one more second_...

He never occurred to him just how badly he'd fallen into despair, or how he was slowly killing himself by clinging to Eddie's ghost. He'd meticulously built up his walls to keep everyone out, to keep from getting someone else hurt, or worse, _dead_ , but in doing so, he'd also walled up every demon his self-loathing had created, phantoms that cruelly taunted him with his mistakes. With no way to escape and no one around to help him overcome their grasp, their torture had inflicted scars no one but Barry could see.

After weeks of henpecking -and no small amount of strong-arming- Joe had finally managed to convince him to break the lease on Eddie's apartment and move back into the house with him. He told Barry that it wasn't right for him to live in what was essentially a mausoleum, as he'd refused to get rid of anything of Eddie's. His toothbrush still sat in the little cup by the sink, his clothes still hanging in the closet, as if they were just waiting for their owner to come back from an extended vacation. Even the last six-pack he'd bought still sat in the fridge, untouched. He didn't even really remember moving out. One minute, he was sitting on the couch, clutching Eddie's shirt in his hands, Joe and Iris standing over him, the next, he was in his old bedroom, a suitcase full of his clothes beside him. Like everything else, he didn't fight it. He still had his dreams, no matter where he was.

Even living together, Joe still didn't have any idea just how truly bad it was for him, as any time he tried to have a heart-to-heart, Barry always found an excuse to be somewhere else. He just couldn't unburden himself on Joe. He couldn't tell him about the dreams, let alone the constant shame he felt, like a thorn stuck in his ribs, sliding closer and closer to his heart with every breath he took, until one day, it would be the end of him. He never even told  _Iris_ , whom he told everything. What right did he have to drag anyone else into his misery, when it was all his fault in the first place? No, he'd brought this on himself and he had to deal with the consequences of his actions, him and him alone.

They had all entered some sort of strange limbo, him, Iris, Joe, Caitlin, Stein, Cisco, seemingly in stasis, waiting for the dam to burst and until that moment came, they went about their lives, all of them doing their best to pretend that the dam didn't exist.

Until it _did_ , finally crack open, predictably enough -in hindsight- on Flash Day.

 

* * *

 

Barry sped around the heap of rubble that was Jitters, clearing out crumbled drywall, wreckage from the support beams, and the piles of broken furniture before going to work on properly fixing everything up. He destroyed a few nails from hitting them too fast with a hammer, as well as several drill bits when, in his haste, he forgot to pay attention to where the studs were, but considering how much damage his tools had incurred when he'd first started this little endeavor of renovating the buildings he'd destroyed with the singularity, a handful of bent nails and bits was a marked improvement.

"You know, if you ever decided that you didn't want to be the Flash, you'd have a good future as a contractor."

Startling at the familiar yet unexpected voice, Barry quickly deflated when he saw Iris standing behind him, admiring his handiwork. The expression of surprise on his face morphed into a wry grin. "Thanks." He said demurely, turning to lean against what was left of the counter, bracing his hands on the battered ledge. Together, they peered around the semi-repaired Jitters, seeing hints of their former stomping grounds coming back to life from under the rubble. Another day or two, and it would look as though the place had never shut down.

"I'm just trying to put it back the way it was before the..." Barry trailed off, a lump forming in his throat as his mind immediately went back to that day. He stopped himself, not wanting to go down that route, not with Iris around. "You know." He finished lamely.

Iris frowned at the blatant avoidance she'd become so used to seeing when it came to talking to Barry, but she didn't say anything about it. She'd tried talking to him, countless times, to no avail, and she'd tried being patient, waiting for him to come to her, instead of the other way around, but even after all these months, he still couldn't confront what had happened. It pained her to see Barry bottling it all up but short of kidnapping him and forcing him to talk about his feelings, there was nothing she could do to get him to open up to her.

Never one to be dissuaded, Iris decided to try a different, more subtle approach. "It seems like a lot of local businesses are being rebuilt at night... in secret." She glanced around once more at the partially restored shop, impressed with all the work he'd done in such a small amount of time. She then shrugged her shoulders airily, keeping her tone light. "I was actually thinking about writing an article about it for the paper."

Barry's eyes widened dramatically, heart beating frantically in his chest. "Don't. _Please_." He wasn't doing this to bolster his profile or convince the city that he had more than earned their praise, enough even to throw him a rally in appreciation. He was doing it to keep himself distracted, to focus his mind on the present, so as to stop the dreams from haunting his every step, and he didn't want Iris or anyone else to misconstrue his selfish reasons for altruistic intent. "Just... don't, okay? There's gotta be something else to write about."

"It's _kinda_ in my job description to write about what the people want, and people want to know about the Flash. And in case you didn't notice, since you've been busy playing handyman, they've got that big rally this afternoon. Apparently, the mayor's going to give you a key to city hall. People are saying the whole city is going to be there to see you."

"So _that's_ why you're here? To talk me into going?" He folded his arms over his chest defensively. "Let me save you the effort, because I'm not gonna go."

"And why not? People have heard the stories, they've read the articles. Now they want to see the Flash for themselves, instead of just a red streak racing past them." She had hoped the rally would be just the thing he needed to bring him out of his shell, but going by his reaction, it was having the exact opposite effect. Reaching out to Barry, she placed a gentle hand on his wrist. "People just want to see the man who saved them and show him how grateful they are, that's all."

"Well, they can't, because that's _not_ me." He shook off Iris' hold and moved around her to put some space between them. "You should know that better than anyone." He hadn't saved the city, he was the reason for all the mayhem in the first place. If he'd just left well enough alone, the singularity would have never opened and there wouldn't be a need for any rallies. _And Eddie would still be alive_.

Pursing her lips together, Iris took a deep breath. She'd been keeping her thoughts to herself for _far_ too long and it was past time to give Barry a reality check. Spinning on her heel, she grabbed Barry's arm and jerked him around so that they were facing each other once more.

"Dammit, Barry, Central City _believes_ in the Flash! And so do I! But I'd believe it _more_ if you didn't keep pushing all of us away, making us worry about you!" She gave his chest a hard poke with her finger, making him wince in pain. "Everyone one of us had our part to play that day, and we're dealing with it in our own ways, but what you're doing? Shouldering all the blame, holing up in S.T.A.R. labs by yourself and refusing to let us help you? It's _not_ healthy." Uncurling her fingers, Iris patted Barry's chest where she had been poking him.

"I'm just scared for you." She confessed to him quietly. "We all are."

"Don't be," he said, lips lifting up in a fake smile, "I'm fine."

"No, you are _not_ fine, Barry!" Iris shouted, affronted by the blatant lie and sickening affectation of a smile. "You are nowhere _close_ to fine! What you _are_ close to is a nervous breakdown, if you keep pretending that nothing's wrong!" She sighed in exasperation, her anger dissipating as quickly as it had appeared. "You need _help_ , Barry." She said quietly. "You _have_ to talk to someone about what happened, before you implode on yourself."

"There's nothing _to_ talk about. Eddie and Ronnie are _dead_! And it's _my_ fault..." His voice broke as he spoke his mantra out loud, unconsciously lifting his hand to touch the fake gold bands that rested on a chain under his shirt.

And there it was. A horrified expression crossed Iris' face as cold realization dawned on her. Her eyes locked onto Barry's fingers as they brushed over the barely visible bulge of what she now recognized was his and Eddie's wedding rings. How had she been _so_ blind? It had all happened so fast. The feeling of hope that seemed to assure a most certain victory, followed so swiftly by crushing defeat, Eddie, Ronnie, Caitlin leaving, the dissolution of Team Flash that left them all reeling, grasping blindly for something to do in the wake of Barry deciding he was better off working alone. They'd all resumed their relatively normal lives, waiting for Barry to come to his senses, to come to terms with his losses, _their_ losses, but how did one do that when they believed that they'd killed not only the husband of their best friend, but _their own_ husband?

No one but her knew about their quickie wedding and guilt pooled in her stomach because until that moment, she'd _actually_ forgotten about it. She'd not seen the ring since Caitlin and Ronnie's impromptu reception when she'd discovered what Barry and Eddie had done. In all the chaos of the singularity and the ensuing madness after it had been closed, it had been pushed to the back of her mind. How could she have _forgotten_? How could she have let Barry slip so far away? Why hadn't she fought harder to get him to open up to her? Why had she told herself that he just needed time to cope. With those false assurances that given enough time things would sort themselves out, she'd let him fall further and further down his self-created shame spiral.

They _all_ had.

Iris never hated herself more than she did in that moment, for allowing this to come to pass. Seeing her best friend, her _brother_ , so broken and defeated, the knowledge that she had failed to be there for him making her chin quiver in unbelievable regret. "Barry, I-"

She didn't even get a chance to finish her sentence before there was a loud whoosh and a bright light, leaving her alone in silence in Jitters. Barry was gone, in more ways than one, and she lifted her hand to her cheek, brushing away the tear that had rolled down her cheek.

 

* * *

 

The world was a blur when Barry opened his eyes and for a moment, all he had to gauge his surroundings was the steady beep of a machine next to him. Below that was a silence that told him he wasn't in a hospital and by process of elimination, he knew that he was Caitlin's old medical bay, courtesy of Atom Smasher. Pain came back to him next, his body reminding him of how that little encounter had gone - _not well_ , if the feeling of his bones knitting together was any indication- and Barry let out a groan of pain.

"It's okay, I got you."

Blinking, he slowly turned his head on the pillow to see Joe sitting beside him, his expression full of concern and uncertainty. Barry looked away guiltily, gaze settling on the ceiling. "Where is everyone?"

Since he'd gone solo, he'd been able to deal with every meta and two-bit crook on his own, with no one getting hurt but himself -and the occasional bad guy who thought they could take him on- so of course his biggest blunder would have been after Cisco decided to get the band back together. He wondered when the rest of them would come in to see him, to make him feel even worse for his mistake in trying to take down Atom Smasher.

"I figured you wouldn't want an audience when you came to." Joe said evenly, recognizing the look of shame on Barry's face.

Even after all this time and the distance between them, he still knew Barry had no harsher critic than himself. He always set a high bar for his achievements, wanting to do and be his best in everything he put his mind to. But the bar he'd set in saving his mother and father, in taking down the man who'd ruined all their lives and settling down with Eddie afterward, it had been set _too_ high. And when he'd failed to attain every goal, he'd fallen so far.

Sitting beside Barry, watching him let his self-incrimination eat him alive, Joe thought he now understood why Dr. Wells had said he and Barry were so alike, even as reverses of one another. They both strived for greatness, determined to stop at nothing when obstacles stood in their way to achieving that greatness. But where Wells lashed out at others when he failed, raining down vengeance on anyone unlucky enough to cross paths with him, Barry lashed out at himself, taking every ounce blame for his failures, and then some.

Rubbing at his goatee in contemplation, Joe sat back in his seat with a resigned sigh. He remembered a small child, traumatized by the loss of his mother and so angry at the world that he refused to even eat, punishing himself for being unable to stop something that had been entirely out of his control. Even then, it had taken months of cajoling to convince Barry that it was okay to have feelings, that punishing himself wouldn't do anyone any good. Now, as an adult, Joe could still see that small child, in need of fatherly guidance and understanding.

And a swift kick in the ass.

"Iris was right."

Barry finally looked him in the eye, brow furrowed questioningly. "You're not gonna do this anymore." Joe said sternly, motioned to the array of machines Barry was hooked up to. "For the last six months, I've given you your space to work this all out... everyone has, letting you take all the time you needed to sort yourself out and come back to us. But today, you only proved that you'd rather just get yourself _killed_."

A hollow chuckle escaped Barry's throat and the sound, no trace of humor but not lacking in despair, it chilled Joe to his core. "Better than getting my _friends_ killed.

Anger and frustration had Joe pointing a finger at Barry. He'd taken the high road up until now, ignoring the late nights he spent doing God knows what, the meager meals he took, and the placating smiles he used to fool the world, but since ignoring it all hadn't done him or Barry any good, it was time for tough love.

"You want me to tell you it wasn't your fault. Well, I _can't_ , because it _was_. But guess what? You weren't the only person making decisions that day. Eddie, Ronnie, they _chose_ to help you stop Wells, and stop that..." He waved his hand in the air as he searched for the word that had never permanently made its way to his vocabulary.

"Singularity." Barry offered.

"That singularity _thing_. It's on all of us Barry. So stop hogging all the blame and the regret." Pausing, Joe reached into his pocket and removed the necklace Stein had given to him after he and Cisco had gotten Barry out of his suit and onto the gurney. At the time, he'd stared at it curiously, wondering if it had come off Rothstein during their fight, eyes tracing the circumference of the rings dangling at the end of the chain, a hundred questions on the tip of his tongue. That's when Iris had come up from behind him and hesitatingly confessed to them about Eddie and Barry's secret marriage.

He'd been absolutely livid at first, glowering at Iris for keeping that particular bombshell to herself. A calmer part of his brain had reminded him that he'd done the exact same thing to her, when he'd told Barry not to go broadcasting his abilities to anyone, thinking it for the greater good to keep the truth hidden. Joe had managed to unclench a little at that, but he was still very upset. If he had only known the true extent of what Barry was going through, he wouldn't have stayed away for so long, telling himself that Barry would get through the turmoil of loss eventually. He would have listened to Cisco and Professor Stein when they told him they needed to intervene on Barry's self-imposed seclusion. He would have pried more every time he had to hear Barry thrashing in his sleep. He would have...

Joe knew if he sat there pondering all the _should-have_ - _could-have_ - _would-haves_ of his mistakes, that he'd never leave the chair again. Instead of following that thread down into a darker place, he moved his hand, motioning for Barry to take the necklace.

He quickly reached for it, his eagerness to have it back erasing the expression of guilt he was wearing. Joe placed it in his outstretched hand, but once he had a hold of Barry, he refused to let him go, gripping his fingers tightly. Their gazes met and Joe managed a small, genuine smile.

"I've been on the job for longer than I care to admit and I _know_ what it's like to question a bad decision. Especially the ones that get good people killed. They stick with you, but you have to decide if you let it drive you crazy or if you use it to help you make better decisions in the future. We just gotta live with the mistakes the best we can. We live with it, we learn from it, and we move on. You're stronger than this, Bar, to let your mistakes make you crazy, I _know_ you are. And you're not so completely gone that you can't come back to us."

Wasn't he? Wasn't he just a bystander in his own body, numbly going through the motions while pushing the weight of being alive up a hill littered with the bodies with the people he'd failed, his own twisted version of a Greek tragedy? He had no idea how he could ever move on from this. Fourteen years after his mother's death and he'd been willing to throw away everything he'd ever known and loved just to get her back. If he couldn't even get over her death, how the hell was he supposed to get over Eddie's? He'd married the man and then offered him up for the slaughter, sacrificing him for one life, only to lose both. How could ever hope to feel something other than the all-consuming guilt? How could he think he _deserved_ to?

Joe obviously thought he deserved to, as had Iris. They were his family, the two people who seen him through one of the worst traumas of his life, because they loved him. Now here they were again, offering him that same chance, comfort, love, and understanding through another trauma, and if they believed him, it must be because they thought he deserved it. Him, the monster who got the ones he loved killed. Vision blurring once more, this time as tears prickled the corners of his eyes, Barry held on to Joe like a lifeline. "What do I do now?" Barry asked, a crack forming on the walls of his mental prison. 

Seeing the barest hint of the real Barry, _his_ Barry, peeking out from beneath the surface, Joe gave his hand one least squeeze before releasing his hold on him. "Well, I know you've been rebuilding the city at night." Joe tipped his head to the side, shrugging a shoulder. “Maybe you should try rebuilding the things that _really_ matter."

Barry nodded slowly and sat up just enough to bring the necklace up over his head and sling it around his neck. The ring was a familiar weight against his chest, but now, it didn't seem to be as heavy as it once was. There was no immediate catharsis in the realization but it was a single step in the right direction. Tears poured down his cheeks and he sniffled softly.

Joe stood up, patting Barry's leg and telling him to get some rest before leaving him alone to cry in peace, and to figure a few things out for himself.

 

*~*~*

 

It would have been easy for Barry to just blast his through the Mercury Labs building to find Caitlin, but something told him that he shouldn't be rushing it, that he should take his time where she was concerned. So, he wended his way through security and the metal detectors, clipping the visitor's ID badge to the hem of his undershirt before making his way to the elevators. Several people got in and out of the car as it made its way to the higher levels and Barry did his best not to fidget too much as he practiced in his head what he was going to say to Caitlin when he saw her. If he got a chance to say anything at all.

Several imaginary scenarios played out in his mind, most of them ending with her calling security on him, to escort him out of the building and out of her life once and for all. _No_ , he told himself with a curt shake of his head, drawing a few curious eyes to the abrupt gesture. _She was there to see me at the rally_. _That's gotta mean something, right? Even if I have to get down on my knees and beg her to believe how sorry I am, I know she wouldn't just have me thrown out_. The elevator dinged when it reached her floor and he followed a few people out, looking around the massive hallways to get his bearings before moving toward her lab.

It was quiet inside, only the gentle hum of the machinery giving a sign that someone was inside, and not wanting to startle her, he walked with deliberately loud footsteps to announce his presence. Rounding the corner, he saw her standing there, head turned to see who was coming up from behind her and look of surprise crossed her face, him obviously being the _last_ person she expected to see in her lab. She looked good, her usual soft curls framing her face, a white lab coat over a dark, understated dress. She always did like looking her best, especially compared to Cisco, who never wore anything other than jeans and brilliantly colored graphic tees. _Some of us have to appear professional_ , she'd remarked one time, causing Cisco to stick out his tongue playfully at her, only to flinch backwards when she went to smack his arm for it.

"Hi." Barry said with a wave, offering her a shy grin.

"What are you doing here?" She asked him outright, never one to beat around the bush with niceties.

He visibly deflated and suddenly, all his carefully planned words vanished from his head. Scrambling for something to say, he jammed his hands into his pockets, going into default awkward mode. "Sorry, I uh, should have called or something. I just... wanted to see you."

"It's been a while." Caitlin said, moving around her desk to stand a few paces back from him. It wasn't that she was unhappy to see him, but after so long apart, it was a bit odd for him to show up here, not long after Cisco had done the same thing. And considering she knew damn well that Barry had spent months playing it solo, the timing was a bit suspect.

Under her discerning gaze, Barry quickly tried to remember what the hell he was going to say to her, but it was hopeless. Everything was gone. He was just going to have to wing it and hope for the best. "Yeah, Cisco said that he saw you at the celebration the other day. And I was just surprised that you came is all." He let a world-weary sigh, the guilt once more pressing down on his chest, making each breath an agonizing chore. "I was surprised because you, better than anyone, know that I wasn't the real hero that day."

At that, she arched a brow. "Of course you were." She told him matter-of-factly.

"No..." Barry murmured. "Ronnie died saving me, saving the _city_ , and I should have been able to save him, but... I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry."

Closing the distance between them, Caitlin reached out to pull Barry into a loose hug. She could feel how tense he was, a faint tremor in his muscles, and it jarred her just how nervous he was, as if she would reject him and his apologies. She let him go after it was clear he wasn't comfortable and he immediately took a step back. Despite the fact that she hadn't seen him in months, it was plain to see that he hadn't been hugged in quite some time and was feeling a bit off-kilter from being touched, like he'd forgotten what is was like to be held by another person. In pained her to see him in such a sad, lonely state, though she knew she didn't really have any room to talk about being sad and lonely.

"Barry, I know that you did _everything_ you could and I don't blame you for Ronnie's death. I never did." Biting her lower lip, she peered down at the floor for several seconds, steeling her resolve before lifting her head back up. "To be honest, I blame _myself_." She admitted softly.

" _What_? Why?"

"Because when Ronnie first became Firestorm, he asked me to leave Central City, to go somewhere with him, so we could have a normal life. And I told him no." She self-consciously brushed a lock of her hair behind an ear. "I couldn't leave S.T.A.R. Labs, Dr. Wells, Cisco, or you... and I know now that if I'd gone with him, Ronnie would still be alive. I couldn't be at S.T.A.R. Labs without thinking about that _every single second_. It's the reason why I left." It had been cloying, walking down halls and hearing Ronnie's voice in her head, asking her to start a new life with him, only for her to turn him down for her own selfish reasons. Then one day, she'd turned around, took the elevator back to the lobby and never looked back.

"Oh." Barry replied dumbly. He'd been so certain that Caitlin had hated him that it never once occurred to him that she'd done _exactly_ what he had done, removing herself from the source of her anguish to find a place where she could just... _deal_ with what was left of her life after losing Ronnie. He'd been so wrapped up in his own inner turmoil that he'd barely spared a thought for what she was going through, beyond his own projected feelings of what she thought of him.

Caitlin's eyes went wide and she sucked in a sharp, yet quiet breath. "My God, Barry... did you really think I'd been blaming you all this time?" When his gaze shifted toward the floor, staring down at his shoes shamefully, Caitlin didn't hesitate in rushing forward to sweep him into her arms once more, crushing him into a fierce hug. She felt him tense up once more, but she was unrelenting, squeezing him even tighter. "Barry, _no_. I _never_..." Her fingers curled around the material of his cardigan, tears springing to her eyes. "We _both_ lost people we loved that day and I thought you would understand why I needed to get away."

Professor Stein had been as grieved as she was after Ronnie's death, having spent so many months as a part of him, but he'd not loved Ronnie the way she'd loved him. He'd never looked at Ronnie as though he'd put the sun the sky. They'd joked so often about being fire and ice, yet he truly was the sunshine of her life, melting away the hard exterior she'd built up for herself and without him, it seemed as though she were facing a cold, eternally endless night.

Through her grief, she knew Barry must have been feeling the same way, like a piece of his soul had been callously ripped away, leaving his heart a mess of tatters. He was the only other person who could understand what she was going through, but it was impossible for them to try to support each other through the misery and the heartache, when they could barely support themselves. She'd left believing he'd eventually find the kind of peace she had in her loss, and she'd continued believing it with every article she'd read, Iris extolling the great feats the Flash was performing, but she had _no_ clue that he was doing those things not only blaming himself, but thinking she'd begrudged him for Ronnie's death as well.

"If I had known that you... I'm _sorry_ , Barry..."

Feeling like a vice had tightened painfully around his chest, Barry nodded into the crook of her neck, a tear slipping down his cheek. He refused to let himself cry again, not so soon after his conversation with Joe had started the water works. He sniffled loudly, choking back his emotions, lest his walls come crumbling down and he fell to his knees, sobbing like a child in Caitlin's arms. After several long moments just holding each other, soaking up the comfort she was so selflessly offering, he patted her back, a polite signal for them to part. She slowly released him and he quickly swiped the back of his hand over his face, brushing away the tear. Awkward silence filled the space between them before Barry opened his mouth, his brain too slow to stop him from pouring his heart out.

Caitlin was the one person who truly knew what he felt, what he was going through. Not Joe, or Iris, or the grief counselors the police department hired to keep the officers from imploding after a fatal incident. They could all offer pity, condolences, even a shoulder to cry on, but nothing was as potent as just _understanding_. He didn't need platitudes or empty sympathy, just... solace, from someone who was similarly in his shoes. And the one person who could have given him that was the one person he'd never believed he'd receive that from, absolutely certain she hated the very sound of his name. He was so indescribably relieved that it hadn't been the case and his heart leapt at the chance to unburden itself after so long.

"I promised-" Barry's voice cracked and he hesitated for moment, clearing his throat as he got up the nerve to open himself up. _Rebuild_ , Joe's voice said in his ear. "I promised Eddie I wouldn't take Wells' deal, to help him by saving my mom. But I broke it and I couldn't save either of them. If I'd just...  he's dead because of _me_. They're _both_ dead because of me."

Gaze falling to the floor, Caitlin shuffled her feet almost guiltily. There was no point in trying to convince him that it wasn't his fault, because it wasn't anything anyone could just _tell_ him. He had to come to that conclusion on his own. But giving him a nudge in the right direction would damn herself in the events of that day. It would damn them all, but it was clear it was what he needed, to free himself from the burden he was carrying. Exhaling a shuddering breath, she peeked up at Barry through her eyelashes. "And because of _me_."

Barry blinked stupidly. "Uh... what?"

"Barry, we were all there after Dr. Wells told you he could help you save your mom. I said that there was no choice _but_ for you to do it and we all convinced you it was the right thing to do. Even Eddie. He _told_ you to break your promise, because your mom and your dad were worth it. So if you're gonna hate yourself for getting Eddie killed, you have to hate _me_ as well. And Joe, and Iris... Cisco, Stein, you have to hate everyone... and you have to hate _Eddie_. You have to hate him for loving you so much, for wanting you safe so much that he gave up his own life to make sure you were."

Wiping away her tears with a delicate swipe of her finger, Caitlin shook her head. "But that's too much hate for one person to shoulder. And I should know, because I carried that hatred for _so_ long. I hated myself for not leaving with Ronnie when he wanted to, I hated Dr. Wells destroying both our lives with his damn accelerator, and I _hated_ walking into S.T.A.R. Labs every day, feeling that hate crushing me. I was drowning in so much blame and hatred that I could barely _breathe_. But I realized... I knew in my heart that Ronnie wouldn't want me living that way, living but not really _alive_. And I know Eddie wouldn't want that for you, either."

Opening her hand, she turned it palm up and waited for Barry to take it. When he finally did, she laced their fingers together. "We _survived_ , Barry. There were a lot of people who didn't, and we can either hate ourselves for surviving when they didn't and blame ourselves for not being able to do more, or we can realize how _lucky_ we are to be alive. Believe me, it's not easy to accept at first. Probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I graduated from medical school." She chuckled at her own joke before giving herself a shake. "But... your friends will always be there to help you, when you need them. If you'd _let_ them, rather. Advice I think we both could have used a long time ago."

Caitlin was crying freely, as was Barry, but for the first time in a long time, for the both of them, it was the good sort of crying, the kind that led to healing. Managing to smile through his tears, he reached into his back pocket with his free hand, pulling out the handkerchief he kept there, and he offered it up to Caitlin.

"You carry a handkerchief now?" She asked with a watery laugh. "What are you, eighty?"

He opened his mouth to fire off a witty rejoinder but something clattered to the floor, cutting him off before he could. They both immediately looked down at it, Caitlin with curiosity, Barry with no small amount of dread.

"What's that?"

"Ah, it's, uh..." He freed up his grasp from Caitlin's to bend down and pick up the tiny thumb drive Wells' lawyer had given him. "Apparently, in the case of his death, Wells had some kind of living will." Righting himself, Barry wiped his face with the sleeve of his cardigan, the sight of the drive sobering him. He spun it between his fingers, wondering how something so small could carry so much weight. "He had his lawyer give it to me the other day, but..."

" _But_ you haven't watched it yet." Caitlin finished for him.

"No." Barry admitted bashfully. "No, I've been, uhm, too afraid." He hated to sound so weak, but it was the truth. He couldn't guarantee that seeing Wells' face again wouldn't have him putting his fist through the computer screen in a fit of rage or that he wouldn't be curled up in a ball on the floor, reliving the moment he vanished into nothingness after Eddie put a bullet in his own heart. "So I've been putting it off."

Nodding her head solemnly, Caitlin motioned toward the computer sitting on her desk. "What if we watched it... together?" She asked him tentatively and when she saw Barry hesitate, she quirked up her lips in a small grin. "I _did_ say your friends would be there when you needed them. And it's obvious you shouldn't watch it alone, so..."

Eyes on Caitlin as she listed off all the perfectly valid reasons for her to be at his side while hearing what Wells had to say, Barry thought that just for a second, he was back in the cortex, half-listening to her as she lectured him about this or that. He would have sworn that he if he looked behind him, he'd see Cisco silently mocking her for her mother-like tone. It was just as real as his dreams about Eddie, only this time, he knew if he reached out to touch it, it wouldn't be an illusion. His heart clenched painfully in his chest as he realized just how much he'd _missed_ having the both of them around.

"All right." He said, cutting her off mid-sentence. "You've convinced me."

Caitlin smiled victoriously and nodded her head primly. "Well, okay then."

 

* * *

 

Six months after Eddie's death and for one shining moment, Barry found himself truly happy.

His chest felt like it was going to burst open from joy, a wide grin plastered on his face as his friends and family celebrated Henry's release. Iris had baked a cake, Joe had bought beer, Cisco had provided the music, and though Henry had been thrown at first when he'd first walked into the house to see their smiling faces, all eagerly awaiting his return, he'd recovered fairly quickly, throwing himself into the party. He hugged everyone in turn, even Clarissa, shaking her hand as he introduced himself, before she waved him off and wrapped her arms around him. Pictures were taken, toasts were made, and Barry could scarcely believe it was all real.

To make sure it was, Barry barely let his dad out of his sight, and Henry seemed to have no problem whatsoever with it, just as glad to be with his son. With a beer in one hand, Henry kept one arm around Barry as he chatted with Caitlin about the work she'd done at Mercury Labs, told Cisco how great his badge looked pinned to his shirt -paying no attention to Iris' barking laugh- and reminisced with Joe about the good old days on their block.

"Even with that black eye, I knew Barry would never be afraid to fight the good fight."

Barry ducked his head bashfully, a blush on his cheeks as everyone laughed. His dad hadn't even been out for more than a few hours and he was already telling embarrassing stories about, just like old times. He was certain if they'd been around, his dad would have broken out the photo albums, to show off Barry as a baby. Mortified as he was, he relished the moment, crystallizing it in his mind, because his dad was _here_ , in the flesh, to tell those stories. Barry tightened his fingers on his dad's shoulder, cutting him off as he started regaling them with a horrifyingly ridiculous tale about how he used to run away from baths as a toddler. "Dude, dad... _seriously_. Stop."

Henry gave his back a clap and smirked. " _Never_." He said pridefully, overjoyed to be Barry's dad once more and embarrass the ever-living hell out of him, as was his right.

Groaning, Barry shook his head but said nothing to deter him, because honestly, despite the oversharing, he was just glad to have his dad back. As Stein had said, _forward_ , through the good and the bad. "Ugh, _fine_..."

"Anyway, as I was saying, Barry was naked as a jaybird and _just_ tall enough to reach the knob on the front door...

 

*~*~*

 

Some time later, after things had begun to quiet down, Barry found Henry standing in the foyer by himself, an odd expression on his face as he watched over the festivities. Grinning, he walked up to him, clapping his dad on the shoulder. It was still so weird to him, being able to just _touch_ his dad, after years of only being able to see him through a fiberglass partition but he was sure it was something he'd be glad to get used to. Henry immediately pulled him into a one-armed hug and the grin on Barry's face got wider.

"So, I was thinking," He said, turning to look at his dad, "what if, in the morning, the two of us started looking for an apartment for both of us." Barry kept going, barely even taking a breath in his excitement. "And Iris has actually been doing some research on how to get your medical license back so you could start your practice up again, or, if you wanted, you could come work with us at S.T.A.R. Labs..."

Huffing out a weak chuckle at Barry's exuberance, Henry glanced away from him nervously, not wanting to dump everything on him now, not when everyone else was so happy. "I don't know. I mean..." He said hesitatingly, causing Barry's smile to falter.

"What's wrong? You okay?" Sure, it was a lot to take in but he thought his dad would be happier to have his freedom back.

"Yeah." Henry replied, trying to reassure him, but when Barry didn't look convinced, he sighed. "Hey, it's a party, son, we can talk about all this tomorrow." He waved a hand toward the living room, silently telling him they should rejoin everyone, but Barry wouldn't budge.

"Talk about what?" He asked, folding his arms across his chest defensively, already preparing for the worst though he couldn't think of anything that would make his dad act like this, not after only being out of prison for a few hours.

"Barry..." Henry said pleadingly, not wanting to ruin the mood.

"Are you..." A light bulb turned on in Barry's head and suddenly, his good mood was shot. "You're not planning on sticking around, are you?"

Groaning, Henry set his beer down on the stand in the foyer and scrubbed at his face for a moment before reaching out to place his hands on Barry's shoulders. "It's just for a while, slugger. I'm not leaving for good."

"But why do you have to leave at all?" Barry asked, sounding for all the world like a lost little boy, and it broke Henry's heart to hear it.

"Son... I lost fourteen years of my life in Iron Heights. Until the other day, I was staring down the barrel of spending my whole life in that place, and today..." Barry's face crumpled and Henry gave his shoulders a gentle squeeze. "It still hasn't really hit me yet, that I'm a free man, and I'd be lying if I said that it's not a little scary, knowing I have the rest of my life ahead of me now."

"I never gave up on the idea that I get you out of prison." Barry said quietly.

"I know you didn't, but... you can't think like that in there. You'd go mad, waiting for a miracle that's never going to happen. I _knew_ I was innocent and you knew it, too, but no one else did. I didn't give up either, Barry, I _never_ gave up. But I had to _accept_ what happened to me, because otherwise, that place would have eaten me alive." Henry let out a breath and smiled. "It's not an easy mindset to get out of. I'm just another old convict, trying to figure out how to live again, after being inside for so long. And I _will_ figure it out. I just need to get away from this city for a little while. From all the memories, so I can become a person again. I've got to take it slow, slugger. Walk before I can run, right?"

Barry laughed at that but it didn't stop him from feeling as if he'd been punched in the chest, all the early happiness evaporated. Part of him understood where his father was coming from. He'd read the studies on the recidivism rates of prisoners who had been released after serving prolonged sentences. Adjustment was hard, integrating was hard, especially with the specter of their crime hanging over them, making things even more difficult for them. His father had been fully exonerated and his record expunged, Dr. Wells' confession containing details that beyond a shadow of a doubt proved he was completely innocent, but he'd forever carry the scars of his life inside Iron Heights. Most people, even after serving their debts to society, still found themselves paying the price for what they had done, and his father would not be exempt from that price.

Despite the logical reasoning, Barry still found himself shaking his head, not wanting to let his father go. Not again. "Doesn't mean you have to leave."

"Okay. Okay, do you think... Can you be all that you are becoming... with me here? With all that baggage?" The very last thing he wanted to be was a liability, to be the reason someone wasn't saved because Barry was too busy helping him to adjust to life on the outside. He was still so young and the last thing he needed was to constantly be worried about his old man, not when he had his own life to live, and his own baggage to contend with.

"But you're the only family that I have left." Barry told him quietly, unconsciously lifting a hand to touch the rings hidden under his shirt. He was supposed to start a family with Eddie and live out his happily ever after with him, but now that it wasn't going to happen, he had no idea what he was going to do. Barry had wanted to figure that out with his dad at his side, learning how to get by together but that, too, wasn't going to happen. At least, not any time soon.

"Well, that's not really true, is it?" Henry said, moving so they were both facing the living room and all the happy faces therein. Cisco was using his sleeve to shine up the badge Joe had given him, grinning like a loon at Iris, who merely rolled her eyes playfully at his excited exuberance, giving him grief for thinking he was Barry's best friend. Caitlin and Clarissa were seated on the couch, talking animatedly about one thing or another, Stein glancing at them every now and again as he spoke with Joe, a fond smile on his face for the women who had been so important to him and Ronnie.

"Don't you have another family in this room? Because I see your other father, your brother and your sisters... even your eccentric uncle." Henry pointed to Stein, making Barry snort at the apropos comparison. "They need your help, too, Barry, just like you need their help. And when you need me, all you have to do is say the world and I will be here. I'm not as fast as you, so it may take me a while, but I will _always_ be there. But I need you to tell me that it's okay. I need you to tell me that _you're_ okay."

Barry wanted to shout that it wasn't okay, that he didn't want him to go, but he remained silent. His dad needed time to heal, to rediscover his purpose in life - _just like I do_ , he thought- and he didn't want to be so selfish as to deny him the chance to do just that. After fourteen years, he'd more than earned it. And it wasn't like he was leaving for good. He'd be back, whole once more, and they'd have all the time in the world together after that.

_You thought you'd have that with Eddie, too._

Ignoring the pessimistic voice in his head, determined more than ever to get back to who he used to be, Barry smiled. He'd been a passenger in his body for far too long, letting his demons control his every step, and he was finally taking back control. Working with everyone again, he'd all but forgotten just how good it felt to be a part of a team, to have that kind of support when you needed it most, to help you up out of the darkness. And the sooner his dad left, the sooner he'd get back, to be a part of that team.

"Yeah." He said, nodding. "Yeah, it's okay." Barry pulled his dad into a tight bear hug and for the first time in a long time, he thought that things were going to be all right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I shamelessly quoted _Johnny the Homicidal Maniac_ in this. But it was such a _good_ quote. Bonus points to the reader who can spot it. ;)


	2. The Ghost Of You

Iris lifted her wine glass from the table and took a delicate sip, eyes flicking over the rim to Barry, who looked supremely uncomfortable, given the previous topic of conversation. Jay's betrayal had hurt them all, and before that very moment, she would have believed that no one was taking it harder than Caitlin. She had been nigh inconsolable, learning that the man she'd opened herself up to after losing Ronnie was the very villain they'd been fighting against for months, after thinking he'd been _killed_ by said villain only days before. To say that Caitlin was a mess was an understatement.

Watching Barry, however, seeing the way he was hunched over in his chair, arms crossed defensively in front of him on the table, his face marred by his troubled thoughts, no doubt blaming himself for not seeing Jay for what he really was, Iris truly believed he could have given Caitlin a run for her money in the emotional devastation department. He'd been burned twice now by people pretending to help him, to guide him through his trials and tribulations, and it was another thing to hate himself for, after _just_ getting over hating himself for Eddie's death. _So much for progress_ , Iris mused morosely.

 _Speaking of Eddie_...

"So," She started, breaking Barry from his reverie, "I... kinda went on a date."

"Really?" He asked, a surprised expression on his face. "With who?" It had been so long since the last time he recalled Iris actually going on a date that Barry had to wonder who it was she'd gone out with, given the limited pool of available men in their inner circle.

"The new editor at Picture News, Scott Evans."

"Oh." He then remembered that unlike the rest of them, Iris had a life outside of fighting crime and the occasional otherworldly foe. She even had _friends_ outside of their little group, though her recent closeness with Linda had arisen from the two of them banding together against a meta, so he wasn't quite sure if that counted as _outside friends_. "Wait... isn't he your _boss_? Don't they have rules against that sorta thing?"

"Okay, it wasn't like _that_. He's a really nice guy. Sweet and smart and..." Iris fiddled with the stem of her glass, looking anywhere but Barry. "And it got me thinking about you..."

" _Me_?" His stomach started sinking with the sneaking suspicion of where Iris was going with this.

"Yeah. I thought... it's been almost a year since Eddie died and..." She finally looked up, locking eyes with Barry. "I'm worried that you're never gonna move on."

 _Move on_. She said it so simply, like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. Eddie's ring burned against his chest and it took everything Barry had to not reach down to touch it, to telegraph his thoughts to Iris. Not that he had to stop himself, as it was clear by the expression on Iris' face that she knew _exactly_ where his mind had gone. "I think about Eddie every day." Barry admitted quietly, mindful that Joe was in the next room and would be coming back at any second. "It just feels _wrong_ somehow, to look at other people... like _that_." When he had to take the place of the non-meta version of himself on Earth-2 and pretended to be married to Iris' alternate self, it had nearly killed him, for a number of different reasons.

It was also why whatever he had with Patty had gone nowhere. Barry had really liked her and had gotten along well with her, from almost the minute they first met. They had a lot in common, beyond just their penchant from movie references and their unabashedly nerdy behaviors, a commonality that had made him comfortable with her in a way he hadn't been since Eddie. She'd been motivated by the death of her father to fight metas and it was only Barry relating to her situation that had kept her from killing Mark Mardon in cold blood. It had been obvious that Patty had liked him as more than a friend -as _everyone_ had pointed out to him, whether he wanted them to or not- but she had known about Eddie and respectfully hadn't pressed the issue of her burgeoning attraction to him.

Patty was beautiful. She was headstrong, tough as nails, and told the absolute _worst_ jokes, a glimmer in her eyes that said she knew how horrible they truly were but didn't care one iota. Barry would have been lying if he'd said he hadn't felt something similar for her. But laying in bed, feeling the cold, empty space beside him, the weight of Eddie's ring on his chest... he couldn't betray Eddie's memory by allowing himself to be with anyone else. Not yet, at any rate. He was still struggling with a lot of inner turmoil when it came to Eddie, though he'd slowly been getting better at dealing with his issues.

The dreams had become less and less frequent the more he threw himself back into living his life, and being able to call up his dad whenever he wanted, even just to talk about nothing at all, had gone a long way to helping him heal. But the wounds were still deep, making _moving on_ , while not insurmountable, incredibly difficult. When Patty had left Central City, Barry had been sad at first, to lose her companionship, but after a few days without her, he'd been glad to lose the temptation she had represented, to throw himself into a relationship he wasn't ready to partake in. Patty deserved better, as did Eddie's memory.

"I just _can't_."

Hearing the heart-wrenching note in Barry's voice, Iris snaked her arm across the table, reaching out for him. He hesitated for the briefest of moments before latching onto her, lacing their fingers together tightly, as if she were a lifeline. She gripped him back just as hard, silently telling him -for the umpteenth time and would probably be reiterating it until they were old and wrinkled- that she was there for him, and always would be.

"Listen to me, Barry. I know for a fact that Eddie would _want_ you to find love again. He sacrificed himself so you could _live_." Barry's face crumpled violently and she knew she'd struck a too-sensitive nerve. Wincing, Iris licked her lips, quickly backpedaling. "You... _you're_ the only person who can decide when it's the right time to move on. Not me, not my dad, _no one_. All I'm saying is that if you keep yourself completely closed off..." Iris gently rubbed her thumb in soothing circles over Barry's, watching him relax under the gentle touch. "You might end up missing out on something great."

Barry opened his mouth to respond but stopped short when he heard the front door open. He and Iris looked up to see Wally walking in.

"Hey, sorry I'm late." He said, setting his things down before making his way into the dining room, nose in the air to sniff out what was for dinner, not even cognizant of the private moment he'd interrupted.

"No," Iris replied with a smile, giving Barry's fingers one last squeeze before letting him go, "no, you're just in time, dinner's almost ready." It had been quite the kick in the pants, learning she'd had a long-lost brother, after her mother had just waltzed back into her life after up and abandoning them all those years ago, to tell them she was dying of some incurable disease and _oh, by the way, here's my son Wally that I never told you about and raised believing he had no other family but me, please take care of him after I pass_. It had taken everything Iris had to forgive her mother for leaving her, for never telling her or her dad about Wally, for coming back just so they could watch her die, but she had, after a whole hell of a lot of soul-searching. For now, her priorities revolved around making certain Wally found his place in their patchwork family, and she gave Barry a look, one that said just because she was focusing on one brother didn't mean the conversation with her other brother was done.

"Excellent." Wally said, moving behind Barry to take the seat right beside him, rubbing his hands together in anticipation of food that wasn't cup ramen. A man shouldn't have to live on carbohydrates alone, complex or otherwise. Glancing over at Barry, he paused, eyeing him cautiously. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Barry said, though his posture suggested otherwise. His thoughts had circled back to Jay and how stupid he'd been in trusting him. How could Iris tell him he needed to open himself up to people, when every time he did, it backfired on him? _Well, half the time_ , a part of him posited, _Eddie and Patty didn't betray you_. _They just left you_ , a more morbid part said, _one by bullet, one by train_.

Needless to say, he wasn't a very good dinner companion, so when Wally began talking about his school assignment, and how he had to go back to the masters to apply their knowledge to his project, Barry was grateful for the idea it planted in his head. He immediately jumped out of his seat, gracelessly making apologies as he stumbled toward the door, more than eager to leave, to get his mind off Jay and onto how he would go about beating him.

 

*~*~*

 

Of course Harry didn't agree with Barry's plan, even going so far as to try talking him out of it, to no avail. This was the only route to the solution Barry could see to stopping Zoom, and luckily, both Cisco and Caitlin on board with what he wanted to do, so that was all that mattered to him. Harry did have a point though, about potentially disrupting the timeline, so unlike his previous trips to the past, they meticulously mapped out all the steps he needed to take in order to succeed. Together, they started a flow chart with photos and news clippings, figuring out when the best time would be for him to go back to talk with Dr. Wells, outlining everything on one of the clear dry-erase boards. Caitlin immediately nixed the first few weeks after he awoke from his coma, as it would be suspicious for him to suddenly have a speed equation all worked out, when he'd only had his powers for a short amount of time.

"No offense, Barry," She said, patting his shoulder consolingly, "you're smart, but no one is _that_ smart."

Barry mock laughed at her as he took a marker and crossed out the photos of Danton Black, Tony Woodward, Kyle Nimbus, and Leonard Snart. Cisco then approached the board with his own marker, drawing a big fat X over the Trickster's face. Capping the marker, he turned to find Barry and Caitlin looking at him perplexedly.

"What? It was after learning how to phase the Trickster's bomb off him that Barry began to suspect Wells was the Reverse Flash. And Wells was beginning to suspect that _we_ suspected he was the Reverse Flash. Too close to that time and he might think Barry wants to use the equation on _him_."

"I thought that's what we _wanted_ him to believe, that I'm trying to increase my speed to take him down."

"Right, I know, but Wells was close to realizing the jig was up, so anything you bring to him under the guise of outrunning him, he might refuse to help." Cisco waved his hands toward the board in a cutting motion, one hand making an invisible line at the photo of Farooq Gibran, the other at the photo of the Trickster, leaving only a handful of metas between them. "This, lady and gentleman, is our Goldilocks zone, so let's find us a winner."

For over an hour, the three of them stood in front of the board, listing off all the pertinent events that occurred while dealing with each meta. Mardon was immediately crossed off, as Cisco didn't think it was a good idea to potentially have three Barrys running around, making even more of the mess of the day when he'd gone back in time for the first time. Barry seconded the motion wholeheartedly.

It went on like that, trying to recall each minute detail of what they'd gone through with the metas, searching for something that might make or break their shot at figuring out the equation. Harry meandered in a few times to view their progress with his disapproving glares but said nothing to dissuade them, not seeing what good it would do to waste his breath and they responded by outright ignoring him.

When they finally reached an agreement, there was only one photo without an X over it, a list on the board underneath it of everything Barry would need to remember. "Okay," Cisco said, circling the photo with an exaggerated flourish, "you're gonna go back to the time when Wells was distracted by the return of the major jackass, Hartley Rathaway." He said the name with such disdain that Barry was surprised Cisco didn't add a little mustache, goatee, and devil horns to Hartley's picture. "This is when we found out Wells knew the accelerator might explode, and we were all angry with him, so anything that might seem odd about your behavior Wells should attribute to that."

"Also remember, do _not_ underestimate Hartley." Caitlin said to Barry after he'd changed out of his street clothes and into his speed suit with a quick flash of light. "He almost killed you." She handed him a small, silver tube, no bigger than a fancy ink pen. "This is a tranq dart that should knock old you out for about six hours, which lines up perfectly for when you're going back, because not much was happening until Hartley attacked the Cleveland Dam that night, so that should give you time to learn what you need and return."

"One more thing," Cisco chimed in, placing a hand on Barry's shoulder, "you _cannot_ tell us the truth about Wells, no matter what. You _must_ keep the timeline intact. It's gonna be hard to course correct if anything gets altered, so get what you need and come back, preferably to _this_ moment, this _exact_ time you're leaving, or else you might set off some kind of _12 Monkeys_ time loop you'll never get out of."

"There's something else." Caitlin's gaze flicked from Cisco to Barry, a pained expression suddenly marring her features, wanting to kick herself for not thinking of it before. "You and Eddie... you had been broken up for a few weeks when you fought Hartley."

Barry's breath caught in his throat, heart abruptly sinking with realization and dismay. The whole time they'd been planning, wrapped up in how he was going to get Dr. Wells to help him defeat Jay, it did not once did it occur to him that he might see Eddie when he went back, that he might have to confront the specter of his dead husband, alive, in the flesh, and wholly untouchable. _This is how it starts_ , he thought with a horrifying shudder. The night Eddie had died, Barry had been curled up in their bed, wondering when he'd start forgetting things about Eddie, the way he had forgotten things about his mother.

In his overwhelming grief, he could only remember how much he'd loved Eddie, reliving the wonderful moments they had together over and over in his mind, but try though he might, he couldn't remember what it felt like to be held by him. His memories showed him vivid images of Eddie doing just that, but Barry couldn't recall the actual _feel_ of him, the sensation of skin on skin. Nor could he recall the taste of him, the smell of him. Eddie had worn a fairly popular cologne, but there had always been a scent underneath it, unique only to Eddie that Barry couldn't for the life of him remember, though he would smell the cologne pretty much everywhere he went. It was a special kind of torment, walking into a busy public space, the scent of the cologne in the air, Barry's sense memory running wild, as if expecting Eddie to magically appear out of the crowd.

Barry glanced back over at the board, at the photos of the metas in a neat little row, and he had to think hard at how Eddie had played into each confrontation. Their first kiss after fighting Black. The fear in his heart after learning Eddie had been shot by Tockman. Telling his dad about how he'd met someone, after Eddie agreed to a second date after the whole Nimbus debacle. Hearing Eddie's sleepy _I love you_ the night he'd broken into his apartment to comfort him. Was this all he had left of Eddie? The fading memories of their past, and too blue eyes and a white smile haunting his dreams? He wasn't quite sure he could do it now, go back knowing that he couldn't do anything to save the man he loved, to ensure that he would have more than just his memories to curl up with at night.

Seeing the crestfallen look on Barry's face, Cisco forced himself to smile. "Right, and you were all mopey about it, so even more reason for Wells to not get suspicious if you're acting weird. And hey, we've narrowed it down to a time when not a lot was going on, to limit your interactions, which means the likelihood of you _actually_ running into Eddie is..." Caitlin stomped on his foot with a perfectly placed high heel to his toes, making Cisco squeal in pain. He knew he deserved it for his complete lack of tact, so he said nothing, merely glancing back at Barry with a wobbly grin. "Sooo..." He said, an odd soprano note to his voice, "no pressure."

"Yeah." Barry said morosely, fully aware that he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He had a golden opportunity to see Eddie one last time, to say all the things he wanted to say, in order to get some sort of closure, but he _couldn't_. Not if he wanted to preserve the timeline. _This horrible timeline where I'm alone and he's dead_. "None at all."

"So," Cisco said, gracelessly cutting through the tension, "we'll see you in, like, two seconds... jeez, time travel's so weird." He and Barry embraced, Cisco holding him tightly for a brief second, commiserating with him on the awful position he was putting himself into. When they let go of each other, Caitlin moved in to hug him as well, putting her lips to his ear.

"It's going to be okay." She whispered, attempting to imbue him with the strength he'd need to do what he needed to do, despite the temptation to find a way to save Eddie. God knows if it was her, having to face a past version of Ronnie, she'd be just as upset, too. If only they'd had the foresight to find some other time for him to go back, where he could hug Eddie one last time, kiss him, tell him he loved him, without worrying about it being awkward, or worrying about the damn timeline. But they'd chosen their window for a reason and as horrible as it was, Barry would once again have to suffer because of their choices. Patting his back, Caitlin took a step back and smiled.

"Godspeed, Barry."

"I'll be fine. What could go wrong?" He asked with false bravado, forgetting how awful things tended to get for him when he taunted the universe like that.

 

* * *

 

It was over. It was over the moment Barry laid eyes on Eddie at the station. Never mind the ghostly apparition that had apparently followed him through the wormhole, sending him further back than he'd intended to travel. He saw Eddie, looking around in confusion, posture tense, as if waiting for the cracked-out dementor wannabe to attack again, and Barry knew it was over. In a moment, everything had gone wrong, all his carefully laid plans gone to waste. Worse still, he wasn't sure if he cared or not.

 

*~*~*

 

Crouching down in his lab, Barry studied the array of debris littering the hardwood flooring, searching for something that he knew he probably wouldn't find. That he _shouldn't_ find. He wasn't even supposed to be there, nor was the apparition, and yet, there he was, sifting methodically through the evidence the apparition had left behind, acutely aware that with every minute spent in the station, the past version of himself grew ever closer to burning off the tranquilizer Caitlin had prepared for him. _Damn my metabolism_ , he though, before correcting himself. _Damn_ our _metabolism_.

He heard Joe behind him, careful not to let his footsteps disturb the scene more than it already was. "Barry." He craned his head around to look up at him and Joe pointed to his board. "You should cover that up."

Confused, Barry tipped his head up to look at. It was every scrap of information on his mother's murder, neatly arranged and connected with string in an order that made sense only to him, in an attempt to figure out who the man in yellow was. _Well, I already know that. He's the one currently helping me to stop someone who is almost worse than he is_. Barry thought back to the equation he handed to Dr. Wells, praying that he was working on it, so he could just go home already. Standing up, he reached for the map of the city he used to cover up all his clippings, all his printouts, and arranged it flat over the board. "Thanks." He murmured quietly, still somewhat afraid of starting some domino effect with any words or actions that would lead to his future being all but unrecognizable.

"Joe."

Freezing, Barry felt a thrill dance up his spine, mere seconds before a sense of dread filled him. It had been nearly a year since he'd heard that voice and he watched as Eddie appeared around the board, not even noticing that he was there, eyes zeroed in on Joe as he walked into the lab. Barry stared openly at him, warring internally with himself. He wanted nothing more than to run over and sweep Eddie into a hug, to warn him of what was to come, to _never_ let him go again, come hell or high water. But he stayed firmly rooted to the floor, Cisco and Caitlin's voices swirling around his head, telling him that he couldn't do anything to change the past, no matter how much he wanted to.

"No sign of it outside... it's like it just _disappeared_." Sensing someone watching him, Eddie turned and saw him standing there. "Hey, Bar." He said with an easy smile.

Heart shattering into pieces, Barry wanted to _die_ , right there on the spot. He wanted to die, his name on Eddie's lips the last words that he ever heard, erasing the gasping death rattle of _I'll always love you_ that had plagued him since the day of the singularity. It was the sweetest thing he'd ever heard and at the same time, the most brutal torment he'd ever endured, hearing Eddie speak. "Hey... Eddie." He replied weakly, taken aback by how vibrant and _alive_ Eddie was, looking smart in his three piece suit and ready to take down whatever it was that had attacked the precinct, adding the victory to his mental scorecard.

Perplexed by the staring, Eddie furrowed his brow as he glanced at Joe, searching his face for some of clue to explain Barry's odd behavior. "Any idea what that thing could be?" He asked him after a moment, knowing he was the only one who could enlighten them on the situation, since this _was_ his area of expertise.

Glancing away hurriedly, before he did something he'd end up regretting, Barry shook his head emphatically. "No. No, not yet." He quickly moved away from Eddie, toward the window, trying to put as much space between them as physically possible. Peering out at the sky, he tried to reign in himself in the best he could, forcing his mind back on track. _Get the equation and leave, get the equation and leave_. "But if I figure it out, I let you know." He said distantly, his back to both Eddie and Joe, body language radiating his desire to just be left alone.

"Things just keep getting stranger and stranger in this city." Eddie said, not entirely referring to what had happened with the bizarre creature they'd seen. Barry was acting weird, which was saying something, as he was _always_ weird, but this was far from his normal sort of weird. Something was eating at him, something that had nothing to do with their breakup. It was as if Barry had seen a ghost, and not just the one that had terrorized the place earlier. Though Barry's emotional well-being was no longer his concern, it still worried Eddie, seeing him act so distant.

"Yeah." Barry all but whispered, shifting around to gaze wistfully at Eddie, the rings hidden under his shirt a white-hot brand against his skin. Maybe if he did something to ruin his past self's chances at getting back together with Eddie, then maybe he would still be alive in the future, having never been in love with him enough to shoot himself to stop Wells. It didn't matter to Barry if they weren't together in his time, if Eddie still held a grudge against him for their breakup, none of it mattered, as long as it meant he'd be alive. It would be worth it, as long as it spared Eddie from the death sentence hanging over him. But no, he _couldn't_ alter the timeline. Things _had_ to play out as they were supposed to, and that meant seeing Eddie as nothing more than a dead man walking, marching inexorably to his doom. "They do..."

 _Okay, something is_ definitely _wrong_ , Eddie thought. He'd been with Barry long enough to know his moods, his tics, his habits - _though not enough to realize he was moonlighting as the Flash_ , he reminded himself bitterly- and unless he was mistaken, the expression on Barry's face, the forlorn note to his voice, it was like someone had died and he was a heartbeat away from bursting into mournful tears.

Figuring whatever it was that was bothering him would come to light eventually and that he'd either hear about it from Joe if it was pertinent to the case or through Iris, who was acting as a go-between for her friends, because she was still desperately trying to get them back together, Eddie hooked a thumb over his shoulder. "Well, I'm gonna go put my ear to the ground." His eyes flicked between Barry and Joe, who seemed just as confused as he was about Barry's behavior, and if Joe didn't know, that meant Barry was _really_ holding the cards close to his chest. That did not bode well, but he continued on anyway, telling himself once more that his relationship with Barry was now purely professional. _Yeah, right_.

"Maybe this thing has been spotted flying around the city, and if so, I'll get us a lead on wherever it's holed up." Though Barry and everyone at S.T.A.R. Labs were the experts on metas, he still had his task force to oversee, and this was right up their alley. "I'll see you, Bar." Eddie said, only to receive a half-hearted nod in acknowledgement. Trading one last glance with Joe, Eddie made his way out of the lab, forcing his thoughts onto the case and away from Barry's incredibly weird weirdness.

Once Eddie was gone, Joe turned to Barry, standing there silently as he watched Barry stare at the space Eddie had just been occupying. Guilt crept up inside him, well aware that he had been a major factor in their breakup and he hated seeing Barry so emotionally torn up, even more so than he'd been as of late. "What the hell is going on with you?" He asked, finally addressing the elephant in the room.

"What are you talking about?" Barry asked nonchalantly, flashing him an unconvincing smile before returning to his work, kneeling down to study the evidence once more, hoping the distraction would throw Joe off his scent.

"Look, I know you're still getting your bearings straight after the breakup," Joe said, not so easily deterred, "but I thought after the whole Snart and Rory incident that you two had reached some sort of understanding."

"We did, Joe. We _have_." An understanding that had led to them playing relationship chicken for far longer than they rightfully should have. Barry tried to recall where his past self was at this point. He knew he was still pining for Eddie, but at this time, he hadn't met Linda yet and asked her out, in the hopes that a new relationship, even if it was a rebound, would help heal his broken heart. He knew Eddie had some random pickup in his future, the one he'd disappointed with a combination of emotional constipation and an issue with whiskey dick. They were still a long way off from any reconciliation but while his odd behavior over it was enough to fool Dr. Wells -he had been forced to rely on that, since it hadn't come out that Wells knew about the potential for the accelerator to explode because of his stupid fumblings in the time stream- it failed to do so with Joe.

"Then why are you acting so strange around Eddie?"

"Look, I'm sorry, _okay_?" He barked in frustration. He didn't have the patience or the time to discuss this, lest he break down and confess everything, right then and there. He just had to pretend that everything was fine, that he wasn't physically restraining himself with all his might, every fiber of his being  _aching_ to be near Eddie again. Seeing Joe's taken back expression at his angered tone, Barry shook his head, visibly deflating. "Just... let me take care of this and I'll, uh, talk to you later. I promise."

"Fine..." Joe ceded with a sigh. It would be easier to get blood out of a stone than it would be to get information out of Barry when he was in this state. Prying would only make him clam up more, so it was best to just wait and let Barry come to him when he was ready. "But _soon_."

"Yeah. Soon..." _Give or take a year and some change, if I'm lucky_ , Barry thought. He had to get away from this place, away from Eddie, back to S.T.A.R. Labs, so could get the solution to his equation from Dr. Wells and go home.

 _Or I could stay. Tell them everything. Who Wells really is, how to defeat him without sacrificing Eddie, lock him away in the prison on Lian Yu with Oliver's collection of bad guys_. He could tell Eddie how much he still loved him, how they got married, how they had their how future ahead of them, if only they could change the outcome of their fight with Wells.

But that would be robbing Eddie of the chance to find his own peace with their breakup, to realize his own feelings, which were buried deep beneath his sense of betrayal and heartbreak. If he tried to convince Eddie of how things were supposed to be, to force him back into a relationship based on events he would never experience, that would make him no better than Wells, taking away everyone's free will to suit his own ends. He'd gone back, hoping to change the past in order shape the future into his idealized version of it, mercilessly killing anyone who stood in the way of that future, without a care for who he hurt in the process, as long as he got his way. Barry could _never_ become like him. He couldn't allow himself to. And to avoid that same fate, he had to let Eddie meet his, without intervention.

When Joe left the lab, Barry numbly walked over to his desk, sat down, buried his face in his hands and sobbed.

 

* * *

 

"No trace elements, no prints, no sign that it was ever here, aside from the mess." Barry motioned to the general disarray of his lab, not having had the chance to clean it up after going through the evidence. Or _lack_ of evidence, all things considered. Running an erratic hand through his hair, Barry sighed, staring at his computer. He couldn't leave without the equation and Wells refused to help him until the wraith was defeated. _Rock, meet hard place_.

"So any idea what it was looking for?" Joe asked, watching as Barry typed away on his computer, configuring something or other to the search Cisco was running out of S.T.A.R. Labs. A window popped up on screen and inside of it, Joe saw himself standing there. Waving a hand, the smaller version waved back. A live feed. Joe self-consciously ran his fingers through his goatee, smoothing it down.

Barry spun around in his chair, dragging Joe's gaze away from the computer screen. "Uh, yeah... me." He said with a grimace. "Hence the motion sensors. If it comes back looking for me, we'll know. And if we're lucky, we'll be able to figure out how it can shift from corporeal to incorporeal, maybe find a way to stop it or disrupt it." He was grasping at straws, thinking of anything and everything that would help him stop the wraith. Normally, they'd have some thread to go on, some piece of knowledge that would help them take down metas, but this wraith was not a _meta_. It wasn't even of their world, existing, apparently, only in the time stream. Desperate times called for desperate measures, however, and whatever would help them find a weakness, Barry was willing to try.

"Why is it after you?"

"It doesn't like something that I did." Barry muttered under his breath, linking the feed back to Cisco's terminal, so he'd have instant access to it, should the wraith return. He then stood up, grabbing the scanning device Wells had given to him and began running it over every available surface. The faint blue light revealed nothing, even as it passed over the board the duty officer swore the wraith burst through. Nothing. No wonder the other speedsters Wells had mentioned had never been able to stop them, they were completely intangible. Right up until they tried to kill you. He wanted to avoid that at all costs, so he kept looking, though he knew it was probably pointless.

"Uh-huh... and what exactly would that be?" They'd been so caught up with Hartley and this wraith thing that they'd barely had time to focus on anyone or anything else. Whatever Barry had done to piss it off was beyond him and the silent treatment he'd been getting on the issue was starting to piss _him_ off. For someone who normally couldn't shut up, no matter how hard he tried, Barry was doing a damn good job of it now. When he got no response, Joe arched a brow and tried nudging him again. "Well? I'm waiting."

Barry didn't answer. Not that he could, even if he wanted to. He'd already done enough damage, letting himself get discovered by Wells -despite his bold-faced bluster during _that_ little confrontation, getting up closer and personal with Eobard Thawne again had left him shaking- and he was hesitant to make any more mistakes. He just had to keep his mouth shut, stay on task and it would all be over soon. Distracted as he was, worrying about his rapidly closing window of time as he fiddled with the scanner, he didn't hear Eddie enter the lab until it was too late.

"Joe," Eddie called out, getting his attention, "Singh needs you in his office."

Nodding his head to the both of them, Joe gave Barry a quick look, one that said that their conversation wasn't over yet, before making his way out of the lab, leaving the two of them alone together. Eddie stood there for a moment, looking at Barry in concern, debating on whether or not he should say something about the way Barry seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Considering his options carefully, Eddie decided there was no harm in making sure his coworker how he was doing. In their line of work, it was never wise for anyone to bottle up their emotions. It was dangerous, and it was why every department in the country hired counselors and shrinks, to keep someone from going nuclear. It was more than obvious Barry had something he needed to get off his chest and no one else seemed to be having luck with getting him to open up, so he might as well give it a shot.

"Barry-"

"Eddie-"

They chuckled softly at both trying to speak at the same time and for one crystalline moment, it seemed as though the rest of the world had fallen away. Barry peered into Eddie's beautiful blue eyes - _God, how I missed being able to do this_ \- and all his cares were just gone. It was only the two of them, so close, yet so very far away. The pain came rushing back with that thought, leaving Barry breathless. How he wished that he could have gone back to a different point, to a place where if he stole one kiss before returning to a future without Eddie, no one would have thought twice about it. His lips tingled at the mere suggestion, sense memory cruelly toying with him. Alas, all he would have from this little jaunt was this right here and it was the closest he would ever be able to get again.

 _Because I had been too stupid to trust this man, the love of my life, with my secrets. And_ this _is what it cost me, this one last chance to be with him_.

Smoothing a hand down his tie in a gesture Barry hadn't realized he missed until he saw it, Eddie cleared his throat deferentially once their chuckling had subsided. "Sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"No, it's okay. I just wanted to-" _Do something I shouldn't be doing, Cisco and Caitlin warned me what would happen, but how can I not_? Barry folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the brick pillar. "To apologize to you. _Really_ apologize. Out of the heat of the moment, no ulterior motives, no agenda, no nothing. Just... one person, apologizing to someone they've hurt."

Caught offside, Eddie blinked at him. "Okay..." Sure, they had found some sort of ground to stand on, making it easier to talk to one another on a professional level, but after the fight, they'd never really addressed what had happened, the wounds still too raw for both of them, so Barry apologizing to him had come completely out of left field.

Barry took a deep breath, quickly trying to turn his thoughts into words, never having been put in a position to apologize to someone he had gotten killed. "You have no idea how incredibly sorry I am, for hurting you the way I did, in _every_ way imaginable. You never should have been put in such a position, to make the choice you made, all because of me and my epic levels of stupidity. You didn't deserve any of it, and you especially didn't deserve it from someone who loves you. It was wrong of me to do that to you, and all I hope for now is that one day, you can find some way to forgive me for the awful things I’ve done to you.”

He saw Eddie searching for some sort of response and held up a hand to stop him. For Barry, this was just making amends to Eddie's ghost, for being the reason he foolishly ended his own life. Their reconciliation wasn’t for weeks to come and he didn’t want either of them jumping the gun and changing the timeline. Nor did he want his past self to find himself in a situation not of his own making and not know what do with the opportunity he had. All Barry wanted to do, all he _needed_ to do, was make his amends and leave.

"Don't worry, you don't have to say anything. This is me trying to make things right with you, not the other way around. You don't owe me anything, not after what I did to you."

Staring at Barry, Eddie slowly digested everything he'd said. It was good to hear him recognize the enormity of what he'd done and take responsibility for it. When they'd been fighting, Barry had tried to explain away his mistakes as being for the greater good, though all it had done was cause them nothing but misery. To Eddie, it seemed he'd only been sorry for getting caught, not for the reasons _why_ he'd been caught. Now, he was seeing the error of his ways and accepting culpability for them. Eddie offered him a genuine smile, glad to see Barry coming to terms with all that had happened.

"Thank you, Barry, for apologizing. It means a lot to me, to know how truly sorry you are... and it means even more to know that you really did love me, that it was real and you weren't just saying like it was a get out of jail free card." It had been eating away at him endlessly, as he replayed the fight over and over in his head, and to know the truth was a weight off his shoulders.

"Huh?" Barry said, before it dawned on him. "Oh..." _That's right. I told Eddie I loved him for the first time during the fight and he thought I only said it to save my bacon_. _Of course he thinks I’m apologizing for the fight. He has no clue what’s coming for him._ "No, I really did. I _do_. Still... I-" He flushed brilliantly, eyes falling to the floor. "I'm going to shut up now." _Yes, shut up and get back to S.T.A.R. Labs, before you ruin_ everything _!_

Laughing softly, Eddie shook his head, brushing his suit jacket aside to place his hands on his hips. It had been a while since he'd been around Barry long enough to hear his verbal diarrhea and he found himself kind of missing it. "It's all right, Bar, I'm not mad. I've been dumped _and_ been the dumpee before, so I know how hard it is to get over those feelings. It's nothing to feel ashamed about, still having feelings for that person. Because I did... love you, that is." Barry whipped his head up at that and Eddie inhaled sharply through his nose, realizing what he'd just admitted. "It's what you _did_ while you loved me that hurt so much. But it's all in the past now and I sincerely accept your apology."

 _All in the past. That’s the problem_ , he thought bitterly. Barry had to mentally kick himself back into gear, heart pounding in his chest. He _knew_ Eddie loved him, knew it in his bones, and he had the ring to prove it, but to hear him say it one last time, even in the past tense -oh, the irony- it had unexpectedly thrown him for a loop. He could feel himself shaking, the color draining from his face as he stared at Eddie, as if he were both the devil and the savior. It took every ounce of self-control he had not to leap forward, to not grab Eddie by the lapels of his jacket and kiss him stupid, and to beg him to tell him he loved him one more time.

"And I truly hope... most people sound kind of catty when they say this, but I _do_ really mean it... I hope that some day, you'll be able to move on, and find someone you deserve." Something niggled in the back of his mind when he said that, but Eddie dutifully ignored it. He was over Barry -the niggling sensation came back full force- and there was no point in them dancing around one another, still hung up on what they once had. They both deserved to be happy, even if it wasn't with each other.

Averting his gaze, Barry looked at anything else but the man he was still so desperately in love with, his body trembling with the force of what Eddie had just said. It was too much and he just couldn't deal with it. “I gotta go.” Barry replied dumbly, feeling as though he were going to fall apart if he stayed there. “Later, Eddie.” In his haste to get out of the lab, he roughly bumped Eddie’s shoulder with his own, hard enough to make him stumble. Barry didn’t stop to look back or apologize, not wanting him to see the tears stream down his cheeks. Turning the corner down the hallway, he blasted away, so very far away. He hated that he’d been so spooked and left without an explanation, but he knew if he hadn’t, he would have done something he’d later regret.

 

* * *

 

Plopping down onto his chair, Barry spun around in it for a moment, taking in the early morning silence of his lab. The station was mostly empty this time of day, and without the thrum of activity that seeped into every corner of the building, it was just the sort of peace and quite he needed. It was good to be home again, properly home, in the time that he belonged. He finally had the speed equation that Wells had given him and the time wraith had been defeated once and for all, by Hartley of all people.

 _That_ had been a little unnerving, seeing Hartley standing over him, a friendly hand extended to pick him up off the floor, but neither Cisco nor Caitlin had been phased by his presence. In fact, they’d been grateful for his help. With no memories of what had happened in the between time, all Barry could do was pretend that it was a usual occurrence, to see Hartley at S.T.A.R. Labs, like it happened every day. _Maybe it did_...

So some things had changed, but the rest of the timeline had thankfully remained intact. Wells had been defeated, Jay was still menacing them, and Eddie was still dead. _Okay, maybe I'm not thankful for that_. Feeling that little spark of happiness of his homecoming die inside of him, Barry turned his chair toward his computer, shoulders slumped. Tapping the power button, he brought the computer to life and began checking through his messages. _Back to normal_ , he thought sadly. Lab results, approval forms for inventory requests, a message from Iris that was just a bunch of cat photos -which made him smile, though he’d deny it- and something from Caitlin. There was no subject but Barry opened it up anyway, knowing he never had to fear cat photos from her.

_Barry, we were going through everything we had on the time wraith, in preparation to take it down when you came back, and Cisco found these videos. There was nothing on them, since the wraith never returned to the police station, but we thought you might want to save this one. Don’t tell Iris, because she’s bound and determined to help you move on, but it’s nice to have reminders like this. I still have plenty of Ronnie, so there’s no harm in having some of Eddie._

She signed off with her name and a little heart emoticon, and beneath that, there was a download link to a video file. Clicking it, the file appeared in the download bar, finally flashing several seconds later when it was done. When Barry opened it, he gasped quietly.

He’d set up the cameras to record whenever it detected motion, and it had recorded his conversation with Eddie. The angle only showed the back of his own head, but it had a clear shot of Eddie’s face. His heart beat a wild tattoo against his ribcage. Barry had plenty of photos of him and Eddie, but somehow, they’d never managed to record any video of themselves. Granted, they’d always been a little too busy for such things, but when he’d been going through all the pictures on his phone -Eddie’s phone had vanished with him into the singularity- he had been shocked to not find any videos.

It had only lent more credence to his fears that one day, he’d forget the sound of Eddie’s voice, the way he’d forgotten his mother’s. After her murder and his father’s arrest, it was all he could do to convince Joe to let him grab a few photo albums from his old house, Joe not wanting him anywhere near an active crime scene. He'd been able to grab the albums, along with a lot Nora’s personal possessions, a few trinkets here and there, but all their old home videos had been lost. He could remember his father with a large camera perched on his shoulder, capturing their family moments with the lens, but for the life of him, he couldn't remember what had been recorded. Birthday parties, anniversaries, science fairs, graduations, they'd all been lost to time.

But now, he had something of Eddie, something to replay over and over, in case he was ever afraid he'd start forget the things that mattered most. Eddie's voice, his mannerisms, the way his face looked when he was happy, or sad. Barry clicked play and not even thirty seconds in, he began crying, eyes never leaving Eddie’s face. He took in every shift in his expression, every quirk of his brow, the curve of his mouth when he smiled, and the cadence of his voice when he spoke of their relationship. Barry committed it all to memory, wanting to save a piece of Eddie in his mind, and in his heart, forever. Maybe he could get over him, maybe he could move on, but he could never allow himself to forget what they had, or what their love had meant.

Onscreen, Eddie said _because I did… love you, that is_ , and Barry hit pause. With trembling fingers, he caressed the image of Eddie, tracing the contours of his face.

“I love you, too, Eddie.”


	3. Set Me Free (Your Heaven's A Lie)

Barry remembered pain. Except pain wasn't the right word to describe having every atom in his body violently torn apart, obliterating him from existence. It was an agony so unique the scream that tore his throat to shreds in no way compared, a mere drop in a vast ocean of torture. And then...

 _Sunlight_.

He blinked against the soft rays pouring through the curtains, confused. The last he checked, there were no curtains anywhere in S.T.A.R. Labs, especially not in the subterranean bunkers were most of their illicit activities occurred. Vision clearing, Barry slowly peered around, recognizing where he was with ice cold realization. The last time he'd been here was nearly fifteen years ago, the night he'd failed in saving his mom from Wells. Now, the house was flooded with light, the yellow police tape hanging from the walls fluttering from a cool breeze coming through the open front door. There was movement behind him and Barry spun on his heel, tensing up for a fight. He instantly deflated when he saw it was just Joe, though the sight of him only led to more confusion.

Instead of his usual suit and tie, he was in a uniform and windbreaker, something Barry hadn't seen him wear in years, not since he made detective. "Joe?" He asked tentatively, tentatively edging further into the room.

"It's good to see you, Barry," Joe said, greeting him with a broad smile on his face, "but I'm not Joe."

Dumbfounded, Barry's eyebrows jumped into his hairline. "You're not...?" Except for the uniform, he certainly _looked_ like Joe, and he _sounded_ just like him. He wondered if this was all some sort of prank of Cisco's, a demented effort to try and cheer him up after the loss of his powers. Then he remembered the pain, unable to escape the machine causing it, screaming bloody murder as he felt his whole body being ripping apart. Barry then began wondering if this was some sort of Hell.

"No." Not Joe said succinctly, tucking a little notepad into the front pocket of his jacket. He motioned to the living room and the house itself with his hands. "And all of this, it's not real." He studied Barry for a moment before speaking. "How do you feel, being back home?"

"I feel _awful_." Barry snapped, confusing morphing into frustration. He hated being back in the house, the police tape surrounding the spot where his mother had died. He hated being stuck in this place, whatever or _wherever_ it was. He hated being away from his family and friends, who had been counting on him to regain his powers and stop Zoom.

"Well, we thought you'd be more comfortable talking to someone who looked familiar, and in a place you knew, so..." Not Joe pointed to himself, a little grin tugging at the corner of his mouth.

" _We_? Who's _we_ exactly? And where am I? Did I die? Is this...?"

Not Joe sat down in an armchair and peered up at him. " _That's_ a little hard to explain. Sit, Barry. Sit." Barry stayed on his feet, staring down at him expectantly. When Not Joe recognized that Barry was going to be stubborn about it and not sit down, he sighed in exasperation before continued. "How much do you know about the Speed Force?"

"It's the source of my power." Barry crossed his arms over his chest defensively, still raw about Zoom threatening Wally's life in order to steal his powers. "It's what made me a speedster."

"Yes... and no." Not Joe leaned forward, elbows on his knees, his expression becoming serious. "When the first subatomic particle sprang forth from the Big Bang to form reality as you know it, we were there." Once again, he pointed to himself. "When the last proton decays, stops vibrating, and plunges the universe into heat death, we'll be there, too."

Barry felt his stomach drop. His throat went dry and it took him several tries to get his words out. "I-I'm talking... to the... _Speed Force_? Isn't that like saying I'm having a conversation with gravity or light or..." He stopped short, not sure if he was really absorb the magnitude of having _that_ particular question answered.

"You need a minute. It's okay if you do. It _is_ a lot to take in."

Taking advantage of the offer, Barry just let himself breathe, forcing his brain to wrap itself around what was going on. It became clear that the Speed Force, in all it's seemingly infinite power, had pulled him out of time, though for what purpose, it wasn't exactly clear. After a moment, he flicked his eyes back to Not Joe, determined to figure out what the endgame was in all of this. "So you're saying I'm... I'm talking to the source of my power, which just so happens to look like my adoptive dad? That's trippy."

Not Joe chuckled lightly. "We pretty much _invented_ trippy here." He circled a finger in the air, indicating the appearance of their current surroundings, a dead ringer for Barry's house, as it looked fifteen years ago.

"Look, I'm-" Barry ran a hand over his chin, keeping his voice even, so as not to risk angering an all-powerful universal entity. "I'm not sure why you brought me here, but you _need_ to send me back. Zoom, he... my friends are in grave danger." He spoke emphatically, with as much urgency as he could muster, trying to illustrate just how much he didn't have time for this.

Without warning, the light shining through the curtains dimmed. Barry turned around quickly to see what had caused it. The curtains were pulled tight, making it impossible for him to see outside, but the unmistakable shape of a person, distorted into a black blur by the curtains, raced across the front porch. "Did you see that?" Barry hissed, thinking they were under some sort of attack.

"You're not going back." Joe said ominously, apparently unperturbed by the blur. "Not until..."

Barry turned back to him, not liking what Not Joe was insinuating. "'Til what?"

"Until you catch _that_."

 

*~*~*

 

Barry chased the speeding black blur, for all the good it did him. He'd forgotten what it was like to run like a normal person, desperately trying to suck in each breath of air, the stitch in his side getting more and more painful with each stride. He quickly discovered he was the only one in this place, no people, no traffic, not even birds. The only sounds were that of his sneakers hitting the pavement over his ragged panting, his only company the black blur that endlessly taunted him. He'd catch a glimpse of it slowing down just enough to make him think he was gaining ground, only for it to disappear around a corner at the last second.

Just when he thought he was about to pass out from exhaustion and oxygen deprivation, Barry spied the blur running into the precinct. Stopping in the middle of the street, Barry bent over, hands gripping his knees as he fought to catch his breath. First his old house, now his place of work. He got the sneaking suspicion that the Speed Force was trying to inject some sort of lesson into this wild goose chase, leading him around the city to important places in his life. Barry still couldn't figure out the why, though. Why make him catch the blur that was faster than he ever was, even when he had his powers? Why put him through this charade, knowing damn well he'd never succeed?

Unfortunately, the only way for him to figure out what was going on was to keep playing the game, at least for now. Wiping the sweat off his brow, Barry straightened up, let out a determined huff of air and started running again, up the steps to the entrance of the precinct. Just like the rest of the city, the whole place was empty. From the lobby to the locker rooms to the bullpen, there wasn't a single soul in sight. Barry was about to give up when he saw the blur on the walkway above him, heading down the hallway to the suite of labs that occupied the upper level of the building.

Making his way up the stairs, Barry kept up with the blur as best he could, only to end up following it into his lab. Instead of seeing the thing cornered and with nowhere to go, he was greeted by a smile so painfully familiar it made his knees go weak seeing it again.

"Eddie?" Barry gasped breathlessly, heart hammering in his chest for an entirely different reason.

The smile brightened, brilliant blue eyes lighting up at the sight of him. "We're glad you made it."

The excitement that had built up inside of him dissipated, leaving behind a feeling of bitter disappointment. "Not Eddie." Of course it wasn't really him, and he'd been stupid to feel even the faintest flicker of hope that it had been. Eddie was dead and- Barry shook his head, mentally cutting himself off. "It's just _you_ again."

Not the slightest bit deterred by the accusation, Eddie sat down and motioned to Barry's desk chair beside him. "Sit, Barry. Sit. You're always on your feet."

Barry hesitated at first, but after a moment's consideration, he acquiesced. He chafed at the idea of the Speed Force appearing to him in the form of his dead husband, but his curiosity as to why got the better of him. Him and cats, constant victims to their curiosity, he thought wryly. Settling in his chair, Barry stared at him, waiting.

"You remember this place, where we first kissed?" His eyes drifted toward the adjacent wall, where the real Eddie had boldly pressed Barry against it, stealing that kiss from him in what seemed like a lifetime ago.

"Yeah, of course, except that wasn't _you_." Barry spat sourly and he felt a sick sort of satisfaction when the smile on Not Eddie's face dropped.

"We thought you'd find this place and our appearance less upsetting." Not Eddie tipped his head to the side in confusion. "Yet you still seem upset."

"My friends, my city... my _whole world_ is in danger. And you're keeping me prisoner here. Looking like... _him_ , while Zoom is on a rampage with the power he _stole_ from me." It galled him, that the Speed Force was stooping so low to achieve its ends. If the Speed Force was a part of him, then it knew how badly he wanted to see Eddie again, the _real_ Eddie, not some past version or illusion, and playing on that want was truly disgusting to him.

"We're doing this because you were given rare and precious gifts, and you rejected them."

"No, I did _not_ reject them. I gave up my powers to save someone's life... to be a hero. And I nearly killed myself trying to get them back, when you brought me here, wherever here is."

"That's not what we meant."

"Okay..." Barry said uncertainly, not picking up on what he was implying. "If you would rather have given these powers to somebody else, why did you give them to me?"

"Because _you're_ the Flash, Barry."

"I don't understand. If I'm the Flash, then why are you doing this to me?" Barry started to get angry, his voice rising with each word, but Not Eddie continued to look at him placidly, which only aggravated Barry even more. "Why do I have to catch this... this thing before you let me go back?"

"We're doing this so you will understand." Not Eddie replied, reaching out to place his hand over Barry's.

The illusion of the place was so real, he could feel the calluses on Eddie's fingers, built up from spending hours at the gun range, from years of transforming himself with boxing. He remembered the shape of them, the feel of them, when Eddie would hold his hand, or absently rub at his neck and shoulders while they watched TV, or the thousands of intimate caresses still indelibly burned into his memory. For a second, one brief, _glorious_ second, he'd been absolutely fooled, thinking he truly was sitting next to the real Eddie. But it wasn't real, it was just the Speed Force messing with his head. Ripping his hand away, Barry stood up, towering over Not Eddie. "Understand _what_?!" He shouted, sick to death of the charade.

"The gifts you've been given."

"What gifts?! Every speedster I've come across has been faster and stronger than me!" It had been Eddie who stopped Wells, a Velocity 9 overdose that stopped Trajectory, and even if he got his speed back, he wasn't sure he'd ever be fast enough to stop Zoom. "I _gave_ one of them my powers to prevent someone from dying! And now there is _nothing_ standing in his way of destroying any world he wants to!"

"That's not what we meant." Not Eddie reached up to take Barry's hand once more. "You're the Flash for a reason, Barry, and part of that reason is the gifts you've been given."

Barry shook his head, trying to clear his mind of the cobwebs. The Speed Force was talking in circles and he couldn't make heads or tails of the point it was trying to make. "What gifts?" He asked again, but quieter.

"Death is a part of life. It is a lesson. Every world evolves because of the deaths it endures, learning each time what not to do, and how to overcome. It is the gift each generation passes down to the next." When it was clear Barry still didn’t understand, Not Eddie tried a different route. "Remember when you were five and you tried to put a penny in the light socket?"

"Uhm... yeah...?"

"Who stopped you from electrocuting yourself?"

"My dad."

"And what did he tell you?"

"That it was dangerous. That even though electricity protects us, gives us warmth in the cold, let's us cook our food, and gives us light in the dark, it can still be dangerous. For all that it helps us, if we don't use it properly, it can backfire and kill us."

"Harnessing electricity was one of the greatest feats of mankind. It can be used to restart a heart. Or to _stop_ one. Yet it is a gift nonetheless. And you have been given a great gift, Barry. But it always comes at a cost. The cost of your mother's life shaped you into a worthy enough person to become a part of the Speed Force. It was the gift of her death that put you on the path that led to us. Eddie's death was-"

"No. No, _no_ , _no_." Barry interjected heatedly. "You do _not_ get to say that his death was for a reason! I would have found another way to stop Wells! He didn't have to kill himself to save me!"

Not Eddie slowly stood up, releasing his hold on Barry to gently cup his cheeks with his hands. Clear blue eyes stared into him, into his soul, and Barry didn't have it in him to tear himself away. Despite his awareness of the illusion, they were the hands that had held him up when he'd been weak, that had grounded him when he was discovering the depths of his newfound powers, that had scorned him when he'd made so many mistakes, only to comfort him after he'd made his amends, Barry could feel the familiar strength within them. In his hands, Barry felt safe, warm, and above all, loved. It may not have been real, but that didn't mean he couldn't indulge himself, if only for a few moments.

Seeing that his anger had been allayed by soft touch, Not Eddie smiled, albeit with no small amount of sadness. "He didn't _have_ to. But he _wanted_ to." He swept his thumb over Barry's cheek. "Eddie gave you one of the greatest gifts a person could give. He saw what had to be done, he understood the sacrifice that had to made, and he loved you enough _to_ make that sacrifice, to offer his life in exchange for yours. How many people can honestly say that someone loved them enough to die for them? Yet all you feel is anger because of it. You let his gift turn you away from your friends, to hate yourself, and your powers. And you can't properly wield something you hate."

"The anger I feel is at _myself_ , for putting Eddie in that position in the first place. I hate that my powers somehow elevated the value of my life beyond Eddie's, to the point where he thought ending his life was the only option to save mine."

Not Eddie shook his head dolefully, as though he were disappointed. "That's _not_ the reason for Eddie's sacrifice." The lab darkened for a brief second. The blur was back to taunt him, but Not Eddie refused to let him go, blue eyes staring into his soul. "And you won't understand until you catch that."

"I-"

He was cut off by a sudden gale force of wind in the lab. The wind kicked up anything not securely held down into the air, papers, folders, and small plastic evidence bags. They all swirled around haphazardly, until the wind coalesced into a tornado, spinning around in the center of the lab. Barry took a step back, but Not Eddie held his ground, staring at the tornado like it was no more harmful than a cool spring breeze.

" _Barry_!" Came a voice, emanating from inside the tornado, and Barry recognized Cisco's voice. " _Barry, I'm here_!"

"What is that?" He asked hesitatingly, worried that it might be another trick the Speed Force was playing on him.

" _Barry_!" Cisco called again, a blurry shape appearing inside the tornado.

"Those are your friends." Not Eddie replied calmly, still nonplussed by what was happening. "They want you to come back."

Barry rounded on Not Eddie, eyebrows shooting up in excitement. Of course his friends had found a way for him to escape. They were always there for him when he needed them and his heart rate sped up in anticipation of leaving this place. "Can I?"

Not Eddie turned his head, with something akin to disappointment in his eyes. "Of course you can leave. But if you do, it'll be without any of your powers."

Heart sinking, Barry weighed his options carefully. He had a real chance of regaining his powers, better than he ever would have had in the real world with the machine Harry and Cisco had built. If he wanted to stop Zoom once and for all, he just had to keep playing the game.

" _Take my hand_!" Cisco shouted, the shape desperately reaching for him. " _Do it. Take my hand_."

"The choice is yours, Barry." Not Eddie said, waiting patiently to see what he would do.

Giving him one last lingering glance, Barry squared his shoulders defiantly before running out of the lab, leaving the tornado and Not Eddie behind. He wasn't comfortable with the implications the Speed Force had made about Eddie, or the point it was trying to make, but he knew he had a job to do. He wasn't sure how he was going to catch the black blur and learn whatever lesson the Speed Force wanted him to learn, but it had made it abundantly clear that the only way he could leave intact was to catch the damn thing, and since he needed his powers to save his friends, that was exactly what he planned to do, come hell or high water.

 

*~*~*

 

Huffing and puffing, Barry trailed behind the blur, sweating pouring down his face and into his eyes. This place wasn't hot or humid, the air almost eerily still, but the exertion of running almost to his breaking point was taking its toll. He wiped at his face with the sleeve of his sweater and continued on. The blur had taken him almost out of the city, to a place rolling with hills, treetops lining the horizon for miles. Off in the distance, he spotted a lone figure, and Barry deduced this was where he'd receive his next lesson from the Speed Force.

Barry slowed his pace to a light jog and made his way up the hill to the figure. Halfway there, the headstones appeared, some just plaques secured into the dirt, others marble statues to commemorate the dead, but the one the figure stood over was just a normal gravestone.

"Who are you pretending to be now?" Barry said as he approached, alerting the figure to his presence. Turning, he saw it was his dad, and Barry stopped short, eyes going wide. He threw his hands up in frustration. "I really don't have time for this."

"Yes, you do, Barry." Not Henry said placatingly. "You have all the time in the universe... literally."

"No, I _don't_." Barry stormed up to him, pointing an accusatory finger at Not Henry. "How can you stand there in judgment and accuse me of rejecting my gift? Do you have any idea how much I've done since I was first struck by lightning, how many people I've helped with the power that _you_ gave me... what I've sacrificed? What others have sacrificed _for_ me?"

Not Henry put a hand on Barry's shoulder, squeezing gently until he felt the tension bleeding out of him. " _Of course_ we do." He told Barry quietly. "You've saved countless lives and given hope to so many people. You're the only thing standing in between your world and unspeakable evil. And yet, for all of that, you've never been _here_." Not Henry looked down and Barry followed his gaze.

Engraved in the stone was his mother's name. Barry felt a shiver run up his spine. He stared at it for several silent moments, before swallowing thickly. "Why did you bring me here?"

"Your mother's death happened to you, Barry. Eddie's death happened to you. It made who you are, but have you accepted it? _Really_ accepted losing them both? Maybe that's why you couldn't come here... because that would make it real."

"I _know_ it's real." Barry snapped. He'd spent years trying to understand the how and why of her murder. When he'd received his powers, it had become his mission to stop the man who'd killed her, to finally bring him to justice and free his father from his wrongful imprisonment. "Every day I know it. I had a chance to save her. You saw what I chose. And the price I paid for it."

"And you're at peace with that decision?"

"At peace? How could someone _ever_ be at peace with letting his mother die... deciding that his life was more valuable than hers?" The future version of him, the one that had stopped him that night, he'd been so willing to just let his mother die and Barry had foolishly listened to him. It was a decision he regretted every day.

"Do you really think your mother would've wanted you to die for her? Think of all the people the Flash saved as a result of that decision... what about them? Do their lives have value, too?"

He wouldn't have had to save all those people if he'd just refused to go along with Wells' plan. He wouldn't have been faced with the choice of letting his mom get killed, Eddie would have never shot himself, the singularity never would have opened, and Ronnie wouldn't have died helping him close it. Jax wouldn't have been uprooted from his life to keep Professor Stein from dying after the loss of Ronnie, and they wouldn't have left them all to go time hopping after an immortal psychopath. Harry and Jesse would still be living out their lives on Earth-2, and Zoom... he would still be terrorizing everyone on Earth-2, with no one over there to put a stop to his crimes. Barry gave himself a hard shake, not liking the connections his mind was making.

"And what about _her_ life, huh?" He asked angrily, a scowl marring his features. "Better for her to die for me than for me to die for her?!"

"That's what you have to understand, Barry. These things, these _painful_ things, they have to happen in order-"

Barry cut him off with a sharp wave of his hand. He didn't want to hear it from Eddie and he certainly didn't want to hear it from his father. " _No_. I don't have to listen to this. To _you_." He spat vehemently. "I have to get home." Turning his back on Not Henry, Barry ran back down the hill, not certain if he wanted to keep chasing the black blur or just wait for Cisco to try contacting him again. He wasn't certain about a lot of things anymore, and he definitely wasn't certain if that was a good thing or not.

 

*~*~*

 

He caught sight of the blur after a while, and with no sign of Cisco's tornado anywhere, Barry let out a sigh of defeat before running after it once more. He was tired and sore, his muscles aching from exertion but the Speed Force had made it abundantly clear that the only way to leave this place with his powers was to catch the son of a bitch. Ignoring the pain in his side, Barry kept after the blur as it led him out of the city and back into the suburbs. It disappeared down one of the side streets and it took a second for Barry to recognize where he was. He was right back where this had all started, sneakers thumping against the sidewalk of his old neighborhood. Of course the Speed Force would want to end this where it all began, its bizarre sense of humor only exceeded by its massive cosmic power.

Sure enough, he saw the blur run into his old house, having led him on a merry chase in one big giant circle. At least seeing Joe would be less traumatic than seeing the Speed Force pretend to be Eddie and his father. Charging up the front steps, Barry burst through the front door. All the police tape was gone and Not Joe was nowhere in sight. Looking around, Barry saw someone sitting at the dining room table and when he realized who it was, he was overcome with a sense of vertigo, the world tilting on its axis and threatening to send him flying off into space.

"Hi, Barry." His mother said to him, peering up at him as if he'd hung the very moon in the sky. Barry remembered what it felt like to be looked at with such love, like he was the most important person in the world, and he had to scream at himself that it wasn't real. That _she_ wasn't real.

"You're not my mom." Barry said, trying to get his bearings as the world slowly righted itself. He was close to tears at being forced to stand there in front of the spitting image of his mother, but he just managed to hold them back. _This_... it was beyond cruel. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"We're not doing anything to you, sweetheart. You're just so tired." With a warm smile, she held out a hand, beckoning him closer. "Sit, Barry. Sit."

Barry couldn't stop himself from taking her hand, in much the same way he couldn't stop himself from indulging in Eddie's presence. He moved to sit next to her at the table, and once he was seated, she covered his hands with hers, thumb sweeping gently over his fingers in a soothing motion. He was suddenly ten years old all over again, seeking comfort in the arms of the one person who could banish all his worries with just a hug and kiss and a promise that tomorrow would be better, no matter what. He gazed into her eyes, so different from the last time he'd seen her, crying and panicked as she took her last breaths. It may have just been an illusion, and a really good one at that, but she looked happy. At peace. Yet the sight of it cut him to the bone. How could she be so happy when he was so miserable?

"All this time, you've been right." He said, surprising his mother after sitting together so long in silence. "I haven't accepted it... not you, not Eddie, not Ronnie, not anyone whose ever gotten hurt because of me. Not for one second. And I don't think I ever will."

"My beautiful boy..." She reached out to touch his face, fingers brushing softly against his cheek. "You have to find a way."

"How?" Barry asked, unable to stop his tears this time.

"I don't know. But I know this. What you've become... It's wonderful. A miracle even, but it won't make bad things stop happening to you. Even the Flash can't outrun the tragedies the universe is gonna keep sending your way, no matter how hard he tries. You have to accept that. And then you can _truly_ run free."

"I know. I just miss her." He turned into her hand, seeking out more contact while he had the chance. "I miss _you_ so much."

"What if I told you that she's proud of you? Of the man that you've become?"

"Who's telling me that?" He asked plaintively, eyes searching hers. "The Speed Force or my mother?"

" _Both_." She replied with a knowing smile, as though it were the answer to everything.

It suddenly dawned on him that it _did_. When he'd first arrived, Not Joe had said this was all a representation of the Speed Force, a force that had been around since the beginning of time, a force that was inside of him, from the moment the lightning struck. Maybe even before. If this was a representation of the Speed Force, then it was also a representation of himself. It all became so clear, the answers falling into place. A brilliant smile spread across Barry's face as he stared at the visage of his mother, who nodded her head at him approvingly.

 

*~*~*

 

Barry sat on the couch beside his mother as she read to him from his favorite childhood book. Despite the years between the last time she'd read it to him, he still remembered every line. They went back and forth, telling the story of a runaway dinosaur, who so desperately wanted to be something he wasn't, but everything he wanted to be would somehow keep its mother from being able to show him just how much she loved him. The dinosaur wasn't perfect, and he never would be, but what he would always have is the love of its mother.

As they read, Barry saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He glanced away from his mother to see Eddie standing in the foyer, watching them with a smile on his face. His heart skipped a beat but he never stopped speaking the lines of the book. In the dining room, where he and his mother had been sitting earlier, Barry spotted his father, the love he had for his family shining in his eyes. When Barry turned back, he saw Joe seated in the armchair once more, wearing a look of immense pride.

He understood it all, now more than ever. This was a construct of the Speed Force and Barry was a part of the Speed Force. These were the people integral in shaping who he was, and the Speed Force had taken their forms to help him work past his mental blocks, or as Joe would say, to give him a swift kick in the ass before setting him right.

His mother was the reason why he'd become the man he had, why the Speed Force had chosen him. Her death had been the catalyst for all of this. Joe had guided him into adulthood, teaching him to be a good man, and a good person. His father was the last link to his past, to his family, and why he'd started down the path that had led him to the lab the night of the accelerator explosion. Eddie was his strength, the reason he kept fighting, because he knew how fragile life was, how every moment should be cherished, for they were so easily lost. He'd scorned these ideas before. His mother's death and his father's incarceration had caused him so much pain that it blinded him, allowing Wells to play him for a fool. Eddie's death turned that pain inward, all that blame and hate for what he was, and what he could do.

But getting him to the here and now, to a place where he was in a position to save _two_ worlds, meant that he had to accept the good and the bad of his life. Just like the penny in the light socket, every fight he'd lost, every mistake he'd made, they were all lessons, to never give up, to keep picking himself up and throwing himself back into the fray, faster and harder than he had before. And those lessons would remain with him. This whole thing had been to show him that exact fact. His mom and Eddie, Joe and his father, they were all a part of him, even if they were no longer in his life. And he couldn't ever lose something that was a part of him, not really.

Just like his powers, they were an intrinsic piece of him, running ever forward to ensure the world was safe, so no one would ever have to fear losing a loved one like he had. His tragedies, his trials and tribulations, they all got him one step closer to that achievement. He'd spent so long mourning what he'd lost, when they had been inside of him all along, watching and guiding him. He'd never forget them, what it was like to be loved by them, but the only way he could live with what had happened, the only way to move on was to accept it, in his heart and in his mind.

These things, these people, they had _happened_. The tremendous experiences with them, the immense heartbreak, they had happened. To _him_. His mother's death is the reason he'd come to have these powers. She had been viciously taken from him but a piece of her had been left behind, indelibly marked upon the very core of his being. His father's incarceration had spurred him to fight for truth and justice, when no one else would, when no one else believed he was worth fighting for. Eddie's death... Barry hadn't understood it at the time, but Eddie's death wasn't because he thought Barry's life more valuable, it was because of his death that his life had value, beyond just his abilities. It gave his life meaning and purpose, to keep living, to keep fighting, to protect the people who couldn't protect themselves, to honor Eddie;s memory as an officer of the law and a good, decent man, to honor his sacrifice, instead of squandering it with self-pity.

They had all given him gifts, freely and selflessly, each one priceless and beyond earthly measure, but he'd gracelessly come to scorn them, because he only saw them as a cruel tutelage in how he was always giving, giving everything that he had, while the universe only took, took, took. It was why he never went to his mother's grave, because it only served as a torturous reminder of what he'd lost. But he hadn't lost her, not really, not when she was a part of him, inside and out. It was why he couldn't give up the ghost of Eddie, couldn't envision himself with anyone else, because it didn't seem right to go on living while he was dead. But it was the very reason Eddie had died for him, so he _could_ keep on living.

He'd been gifted with the love of his parents, with Eddie's love, but he'd vehemently denied what they had given him, wallowing in his misery until he'd all but forgotten. Hating himself had made him forget their love, it had made him bitter and hollow, but now, he was done forgetting. He was done shutting himself away from his friends and family, afraid for what future tragedies may fall upon them in his name. Yes, he grieved his losses, and always would, but he was better for the wonderful, yet brief windows of happiness he'd had with them. Yes, dark times might lie ahead, but he couldn't use it as an excuse to deny any present happiness to save himself from future pain, because what was the point of living if you weren't really alive

"... and who will always love you."

They all spoke the words at the same time, and at the same time, Barry felt a weight lift off his shoulders. A new weight overtook him, a weight that was the armor of their love for him, and his love for them. For too long he'd shirked it, thinking it a burden, but now he'd come to wholly accept it. He stood up and for the first time in a long time, it was easier to be on his feet, to breathe, to feel the power coursing through him. The power he'd always had, because Zoom couldn't steal who he was at his core. Zoom just couldn't take that away from him, not without a fight. He _was_ the Flash. He closed his eyes, feeling the air shift as the black blur descended upon him. He held out his arm, knowing instinctively where the blur would be and he wrapped his finger around its throat. When Barry opened his eyes, he saw that the blur was himself. He'd been chasing his own tail all along, but somewhere, deep inside, he'd already known that. He looked down to see himself clad his speed suit.

"You're ready." Eddie said with pride in his voice. He touched his thumb to the gold plastic ring on his finger. Barry did the same, running his fingers over the indiscernible bump under the leather of his suit, the rings he kept on a chain around his neck. Before, they had been a reminder of his failure, of what he'd so recklessly lost, but now, they were a reminder of why he kept fighting, of what he was fighting for. Reaching back for his hood, Barry brought the mask over his face, securing it snugly. He looked back at his mother, sitting on the couch with the book clutched in her hands. A reminder that she would be with him, wherever he went.

"Run, Barry." She said, giving him one last smile before he heard the call of Iris' voice, beckoning him back to his world. " _Run_."

He did. And he ran _free_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am incredibly sorry for the delay in updating. I suffered two catastrophic computer failures, resulting in the loss of all my work on this story, and the last one just... destroyed my soul. BUT. The news of Eddie's return to the show has invigorated me and I rise from the ashes to give you... well, what I _always_ give you, angst and misery and sadness.


	4. Your Future Is Not Mine

Barry had once sworn to himself that he would never end up like Wells, that he couldn't just decide what was best for everyone else, simply to suit his own needs. Altering the past to serve his wants and desires, without considering for anyone else was unspeakable, as was taking out anyone who stood in his way. He hated Wells for playing puppet master with all their lives, for killing people who threatened to upset his carefully laid plans, and hated him even more for leaving them to deal with the consequences of his selfish meddling.

Try as he might, though, he couldn't see any other way to make things right again but to do the _exact_ same thing. He'd tried it once before, going back to prevent his mother's murder, before he'd been stopped by his future self. Barry still cursed himself for listening to him, a version of himself he'd never become, that he didn't _want_ to become. He'd allowed his own mother to be murdered, making a point to stop him from intervening in his fight with the Reverse Flash. He _never_ should have listened. He should have gone through with the plan.

If he had, his mother would be alive. Eddie would be alive. His _father_ would be alive. Barry ducked his head, squeezing his eyes shut at the vision of Jay's hand bursting through his dad's chest. The memory of it was burned onto the back of his eyelids, haunting him every time he closed his eyes. Worse still, after it was all said and done, he'd been forced to watch father's doppelgänger leave, utterly ignorant of the life the other version of himself had, about his wife and his son. Barry had wanted to tell him, to find some sort of solace in the fact that his father wasn't truly gone, but it wouldn't have been right. Jay Garrick wasn't Henry Allen. His dad was gone and no one would ever be able replace him, not even another version of him.

It all just further served to remind him that he had lost so much. His mom, his dad, his husband, and he was sick to death of wondering who would be in the crosshairs next. Joe? Barry had already witnessed his death on Earth-2 and it still kept him up at night, the thought of the same happening to his Joe. Iris? His best friend and sister, whose faith in him had never been shaken, not even in his darkest hours. Caitlin or Cisco, the friends that had helped him through so much, from helping him wield his powers to shaping him into the hero Central City loved?

His fist hit the porch and it was only his complete lack of energy that kept it from punching right through the wood with the speed of a freight train. He was burning with righteous fury but he was too emotionally exhausted to do anything about it, except curse his luck, the universe, and the Speed Force. It had lied to him. It had paraded itself around in the images of his loved ones and told him everything he needed to hear in order to do its bidding. It wanted Zoom stopped but with the real Jay Garrick imprisoned and Zoom terrorizing his Earth, it had fallen to him. Except he'd given up his powers to save Wally's life. So the Speed Forced had played him, told him exactly what he needed to hear, from the mouths of the people he needed to hear them from, before giving him back his powers and sending him on his way. Sending him on his way to watch his father be murdered.

Once more, Barry gave and the universe took. It wasn't a tragedy to be learned from, it was just a tragedy. One that could have been avoided, if he hadn't been so blind. He'd cry but he'd already done that, sobbing until his muscles burned and the world was blur through the haze of his tears. He had no tears left now, only a single-minded determination. He was tired of being lied to and he was tired of being betrayed. Wells, Jay, the Speed Force, they had all claimed to have his best interests at heart, but the moment he put his trust in them, they took advantage and had turned the tables on him.

Cursing at his stupidity, for falling for the same trick over and over, Barry hit the porch again with his fist, this time with enough speed for the wood to groan in protest.

Enough was enough. Some small part of him knew what he was planning was selfish, but after all he'd given, after all that he'd lost, he'd more than earned a little selfishness. He'd been played for a fool by the Speed Force and enough was enough. Barry had the power to make things right, to get back what had been stolen from him, and dammit, he was _going_ to do it.

 

*~*~*

 

From behind him, Barry heard the front door open and close softly, followed by footsteps. He didn't turn around to look at who it was, more than familiar with those gentle steps, announcing herself yet being quiet enough for him to pretend that she wasn't there, if he still wanted some time to himself. He sighed, knowing he owed it to her to at least manage some sort of goodbye. Knowing Iris, she'd find a way to reach through time and cold-cock him senseless for leaving without saying anything. For the sake of sparing himself the pain, he patted a hand on the step, giving her permission to sit.

"How you doing out here?" Iris asked, settling beside Barry, close enough so he'd know he had a shoulder to cry on, but not so close that he'd think she was crowding him. He settled for a happy medium, shifting his hand palm up on the step, and she took it in her own, lacing their fingers together.

"I can't stop thinking about my dad's doppelgänger." He said after a moment, tipping his head up to look at the stars through tree branches. "Seeing him, knowing that he's out there, that some part of him is still alive and fighting, it should make it easier... but it doesn't. It just makes me miss him even more."

"I can't even begin to imagine how hard this all must be for you." Iris said, wanting to comfort him, but keenly aware that he'd find no solace in a platitude. First his mother, then Eddie, now his father. There wasn't much _anyone_ could say that would bring him comfort.

Barry sighed and hung his head. "We just won." He murmured dejectedly. "We just beat Zoom. So why does it feel like I lost everything?"

"Because you've lost a lot in your life, Barry, more than most."

With his free hand, he scrubbed at his hair in a nervous gesture, his skull overflowing with misery and sadness. "I feel so hollowed out inside right now. I feel more broken than I've ever felt in my entire life. And I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to put the pieces back together again, not unless-"

He stopped short, knowing Iris would see right through him if he gave too much away. "If I'm ever gonna be worth anything to you, to my friends, to this city, I have to find some way to fix what's wrong with me. I need to find some... some peace."

Iris hated to think of Barry leaving Central City, of wandering around alone in a desperate search for himself, in search of some sort of purpose after the staggering losses he'd endured, but if that's what he needed to do to deal with his tragedies, to get some final sense of closure, she would support him, no matter what.

"Wherever you need to go, whatever you need to do, do it." She gave his fingers a gentle squeeze, which earned her a small, yet genuine smile. "And when you get back, I'll be here. We'll _all_ be here."

He appreciated her support, though he wondered if she'd still he so supportive if she knew where he was really planning on going. Not that she'd remember. If he was successful, they'd never have to have this conversation, both of them mourning the loss of his father. Nothing would ever be the same and somehow, Barry found comfort in that.

There would be no mourning, none of the betrayals they'd all suffered at the hands of Eobard Thawne and Hunter Zolomon. Caitlin would still have Ronnie and he'd still have Eddie. His thoughts then turned to everything else that would change when he went back. He knew firsthand about the unpredictable ripples altering the past could cause, from both Wells' and his own dabbling with time. Barry wondered what could possibly happen from just saving one person, his mother.

Would Oliver still become the Green Arrow? Of course, he had to. That paper in the time vault had mentioned him, which meant Oliver was always meant to become a vigilante. But were Ronnie and Professor Stein fated to always become Firestorm? Would he still become the Flash? Would he still meet Kara, Winn, and James? He'd only traveled to their Earth by accident, while trying to become fast enough to defeat Zoom. There was no guarantee he ever would see them again, or that they would remember him if he did. Would Hartley always become a bad guy? Without catching on to evil Wells' plan, because he would not exist after stopping the Reverse Flash, Hartley wouldn't have had a grudge against him that required any kind of vengeance. 

There was so much that had happened to him, so many amazing people he'd met because of what he'd become, but there was only one person on Barry's mind, one person who was worth taking a risk for. And in getting his mother back, he'd get everything else back, including Eddie. To Barry, there was no other option.

"Thank you." He told Iris, giving her hand one last squeeze before releasing it and getting to his feet.

Following suit, Iris stood up, immediately pulling him into a tight hug. "I love you, Barry." She said, patting his back gently, wanting him to remember he still had family that loved him, that no matter how far away he got, his home was right here.

"I love you, too." Barry replied, and with that, they parted ways, Iris leaving him to his silent contemplation, and perhaps an unseen exit to wherever his feet took him. Heading back inside, she gave him a tiny wave in what she hoped wasn't goodbye for too long before slowly closing the front door.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered apologetically to her retreating form, lightly bouncing on his heels as he warmed up for the run of his life, and the lives of everyone he loved. "But I _have_ to do this."


End file.
